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Last Update: 11.14.03

Celebrity Special Olympics Pepsi Challenge Survivor Old Spice High Endurance Xtremathon

Hi, I'm a neo-Nazi skinhead representing the Pepsi corporation today for the CSOPCSOSHEX. I'll be acting as announcer and host today for this very special event. I'm reporting to you live from the Temple of the Holy Grail, straight out of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." Our goal today is to use disabled celebrities to find out which soft drink people really prefer, as if our plummeting sales aren't a great indicator. We're also out to find out just how long Old Spice High Endurance can last! Finally, we're hoping to locate the Holy Grail so that myself and my army of devoted Satanists can scourge the world for the rest of time. It's sure to be an exciting day, so let's get started by meeting our contestants!

First we have Ray Charles, the man who put the "blind" in "blind taste test" and the "black" in "I'm a blind black man." He intended to try out Old Spice High Endurance today, but we swapped his stick with a bar of ivory soap. He couldn't really tell what it was, and has no clue about the flaky white residue he's sporting to the event today. Nevertheless, he's sure to provide us with lots of excitement today!

Our next contestant is Sean Connery, who isn't disabled, but is Scottish, which is close enough. He played a starring role in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and is sure to know a lot of the twists and turns of the Temple here. He could be some awfully stiff competition since he isn't disabled, but he could have problems in the taste test since Scottish people eat things like haggis. He says he's sporting Old Spice High Endurance today, and claimed that he violated the instructions to "Only apply to underarm." Nobody's sure exactly what that means, but considering the fact that he played the lead in a number of James Bond movies, and considering the coarse laugh that he followed his statement with, you'll have to draw your own conclusions.

Next in line is Steven Hawking. I don't think he's really done anything noteworthy, but we needed a dude in a wheelchair and Christopher Reeve was booked. He seems to be incensed by the fact that I don't think he's done anything worthy, and appears to be attempting to give me the finger. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not, though, because that's the only part of his body he can move.

Our fourth contestant today is Carrot Top. We're not really sure what his problem is, but nobody seems to be surprised when he shows up to the Special Olympics. He appears to be nervous about being on the set here, and wants to call his parents to pick him up. Unfortunately, he didn't bring change for the phones, and isn't really sure what to do beyond that.

Our final contestant is Muhammad Ali, who suffers from Parkinson's disease. He formerly earned his living by punching people, which is something I can relate to. He's using Old Spice High Endurance today, in hopes that somehow it will give him higher endurance. He would like to say "I'm the Greatest" to all of his fans and his family back home, but he can't because he's waving his arms back and forth and drooling.

It looks like we're about ready to begin here, and I'd just like to wish the best of luck to all of our fine contestants. All of our contestants are playing for charity today, with the exception of Carrot Top, who is just hoping to get enough money to eat tonight. I'd also like to remind you that Old Spice High Endurance is designed to keep you dry in even the most stressful conditions. This situation isn't exactly stressful, though, so we'll have to fix that.

*Pulls out a gun and shoots Sean Connery in the stomach*

Well now, I think the stress level of the room has heightened a little bit. Hopefully one of our other contestants will find the Holy Grail so that Mr. Connery will be able to live. Too bad he didn't think about just what happens when Nazis and Sean Connery find each other in the Temple of the Holy Grail.

Ray Charles is heading straight for the first trial! He's obviously ready to dive right into the temple trials, or else he's just trying to run away from the gunshot he just heard. He's probably not too sure what's going on, to be honest. The first trial is "The Breath of God." According to Dr. Jones' notes which we carefully deprived our contestants of, "Only the penitent man may pass." Also, according to the set designer for the movie, that means that there are two huge whirling rotary saws that will behead anybody that doesn't kneel. Ray looks like he's getting close to the critical point, but will he make it?

Oh no! He's been beheaded! Ray Charles is down! Oh man, I bet he never even saw that one coming! Steven Hawking looks like he's going to try his luck now, and Carrot Top is juggling Ray's head together with a bowling ball and a cucumber. Muhammad Ali is just behind Steven Hawking, apparently not wanting to be shown up by a crippled British guy.

And now the moment of reckoning...will they make it through the first trial! Oh my, what is that? Is it...no, it's just the headrest to Hawking's wheelchair! He made it through! And Mr. Ali, disoriented by the flying headrest, slipped on a puddle of his own drool and seems to have made it through alive, although with a few scrapes on his elbows.

Carrot top seems to have wandered through behind them, and it looks like his hair is a little shorter than it was before. Not really sure how he made it through, but now he's mocking Muhammad by doing a tencount. This is getting exciting, but I must admit I wish that Carrot Top had gotten axed. I don't think I'll be able to take my eyes off of that guy, because I want to be absolutely sure that I see him die.

It looks like they're ready for the second trial, "The Word of God." It basically means that they have to spell out Jehovah, but to increase the chances of carnage we're making them spell it in Hebrew, where it starts with an I instead of a J. Steven Hawking looks like he's waiting for one of the others to make a move. I don't know what he's waiting for, though, it's not like this is quantum physics.

Anyway, let's check back in on Mr. Connery. He is currently informing me that I am a filthy mongrel, and telling me some unsavory things about my mother.

Carrot Top seems to have been struck by a sudden inspiration. He's trying to pep talk the other two contestants by chanting "Just dial down the center!" He jumps for the letter C, and...he is denied! The platform crumbles underneath him and he falls into a bottomless chasm! Yes, Carrot Top is dead! He did have a nice idea, though, and I give him props for that.

Muhammad Ali looks like he's ready to have a go...and he makes a step to the I...to the E...yes, it looks like he knows what he's doing! Apparently, he's seen this movie before. That ruins a lot of the fun. Steven Hawking still seems kind of baffled, but...oh, what's this? His wheelchair is picking up off the ground...it has rockets on it! Steven Hawking flies past the second and third trials, and into the grail chamber! Mr. Ali is right behind him, apparently having noticed the third trial's invisible walkway when his drool dropped onto it.

Since Hawking arrived sooner, Ali will have to take the taste test first. He's already been blindfolded, and the Grail Knight is handing him the first drink. He doesn't know it, but this one is Pepsi, the taste that more people prefer (R)! And now for the second glass...he tastes it, and spits! Oh my! Apparently he didn't like drink #2, a glass full of melted Old Spice! Anyway, on to sample 3, my evil arch-nemesis Coke. Let's see his response...

Here's what he says: "I don't know, I can't really taste anything. All I can taste is that Old Spice you just fed me." Then the verdict is in! Old Spice really does last, even at the blazing temperatures inside his mouth! What does he say his favorite was, though? "Well, since you obviously engineered this so that the last sample would taste horrible, then it was probably Coke. Just to spite you and your stupid show, I'm going to say that drink #3 was my favorite. The first one tasted like Pepsi anyway."

Ouch! We'll have to censor that one out for the good of the regime! Anyway, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, the Grail Knight is offering Muhammad some water to wash the taste of Old Spice out of his mouth. Oh no! What's happening? Suddenly, Muhammad's skin grows saggy and wrinkled! Yes, even more than it already is! His hair is getting thin and wiry, and his flesh is falling off in chunks! This is the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life!

The Grail Knight, though, appears to be laughing...what's this? He's taking off his helm, and...wow! It's not the Grail Knight at all, it's Pepsi CEO Steven S. Reinemund! It looks like he's got a few words to say before Steven Hawking takes his turn: "He chose poorly." Can't disagree with that! And it looks like our only surviving contestants at this point are white. Surprisingly enough, I didn't arrange that!

Well now, it looks like Hawking is stepping up—excuse me, rolling up—for the taste test. With Reinemund's help, he takes the first sample...the second...the third...all without saying a word! That's not really that surprising, considering, but still...and now, the verdict...

He...yes, he's giving us the finger again! That obviously means that he prefers Pepsi to the cool, dry taste of Old Spice. Victorious, Hawking grabs the Grail of Pepsi and immediately heads over to Sean Connery, who has most recently reminded me that I'm a vile cur. Hawking pours the contents onto Connery's wound, and it begins to fizz! Sean Connery winces as a large white foam builds up...it begins to clear, and...and...and the bullet hole is still there, bleeding profusely! It must have just been the carbonation. This could be awfully bad news for Sean Connery.

It looks like he may have a plan though...Mr. Connery reaches into his pocket, it looks like he's pulling out a stick of Old Spice! He's spreading it onto his wound, and yet still, nothing happens...but wait, he's trying to say something! "It's not keeping me dry, I'm soaked in my own blood you filthy bastard!" Mr. Connery collapses! Oh no! I recognize that vacant look in his eyes, and although I'm used to seeing it while holding a baseball bat, I'd recognize it anywhere...Sean Connery has breathed his last! With his dying breath, he spited Old Spice, defying the Old Spice Challenge! In accordance with Old Spice's promise, we'll be sending a stick of his own deoderant to his next-of-kin.

Oh no! All of a sudden, the temple seems to be falling apart! Steven Hawking is trying to make his escape, but he accidentally took the Grail past the seal on the temple floor! I'm going to have to get out of here! Steven Hawking appears to be panicking, so I'll have to toss him out of his wheelchair and into the chasm that's forming in the middle of the temple. Thank goodness, now I can ride these rockets to safety.

Well, that's all we have time for today. While at first glance it may appear that the Nazis have won, I think that we'd all agree that on a day that Carrot Top dies, the entire world wins. And that's what Pepsi is all about...bringing smiles to you.