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Last Update: 09.05.03

Diabetics: Not just old people

When you're getting ready to leave the house, does your mom nag you about whether or not you remembered to give yourself a shot, and to remember to take a snack with you? If so, you're probably a diabetic...or else a drug addict. Either way, your parents are probably trying to stop you from going into shock and passing out on the floor in a drooling heap, so either way this article probably applies.

I'm a diabetic, and believe me, it sucks. First of all, your mom seems to think that your goal in life is to find a way to kill yourself. Surprisingly enough, this is not the case (note: this is one place where the article might not apply to drug addicts, particularly if you're one of those creepy faux-artistic gothic creepy drug addict types). Passing out on the floor in a sugarless coma isn't exactly my idea of fun (another reason that this article doesn't apply to drug addicts). Worse still, nobody understands what being a diabetic is all about. They think that I'm never supposed to eat sugar ever, and that's just the ones whose grandparents are diabetic and who therefore know just enough about it to not realize that they know nothing about it. When I tell anybody else that I'm diabetic, though, they think it means I have super powers.

To help educate you primitive screwheads I've put together a list of frequently asked questions about diabetes.

-Who has diabetes? Diabetics. (If you substitute "diabetes" with "drugs" then that's a question that you probably shouldn't ask if you don't already know.)

-How many have it? All of them. (A question that I'm not qualified to answer on the drugs side of things, but if the D.A.R.E. propaganda they made us watch in 4th grade is accurate, then just count all the people in the world with green faces and sunglasses)

-Does diabetes give you super powers? No, but it does allow you to puke candy all over the floor at extra-high velocities. (Same for drugs)

-Are you allowed to eat sugar ever? Yes. In fact, I have to eat sugar regularly to fuel my dual hydrogen fusion fuel cells .

-Do you swim with the dolphins? No. That's Aquaman. Once again, I do not have super powers (and neither does he, really). Some hippie hopped up on LSD probably thinks he does, but he, in fact, does not.

-I have to walk past a diabetic every day on the way home from school, and it's scary. Is he going to kill me or something? No. Diabetics are mostly kind-hearted friendly people. Okay, well that's a lie, but diabetics get this cool electronic restraining collar that stops them from doing any serious damage. So if the diabetic you walk past is wearing a collar, then everything is safe because he won't be able to hurt you very bad before the automatic disciplinary routine kicks in. Oh, and if it's somebody with adult-onset diabetes, just kick them in their artificial hip and they'll be out for a while. If they're young and not wearing a collar, though, then run for your life because diabetics are freakin' psycho. (This is where things get tricky. It's exactly the opposite for drug addicts—if a drug addict is wearing a collar, then you'd better get out of there before he eats you.)

-Can your ocular lasers burn a hole through a 3-foot steel beam? Yes.

-Cool, can I have diabetes too? Ask your grandparents (substitute "local pusher").

-Is there anything bad about being a diabetic? Yes. Diabetes is, after all, a DISEASE. It is NOT a special power. It is not a good thing. It's kind of like being a drug addict, only it's legal. So, basically, I have to give myself shots all of the time and I don't get to go through rehab to fix my problem. I have to stay this way.

-Is there anything good about being a diabetic? Yes. The yearly Walk for Diabetes. The WfD is totally awesome, but anyway, Darkman is on and it has Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi, so I'm going to go watch that.

I hope you feel educated. If you still have questions about diabetes, send them to this falsified e-mail address and we will promptly ignore you.

Note: This article, while written from Nathan's perspective, was actually written by Jay. Nathan is, after all, a diabetic, so we try not to work him too hard, just in case. After all, we have no clue what diabetes actually does, so we just keep Nathan in his plastic suit all the time.