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Last Update: 04.07.07

Emo: The Truth Behind The Hair

You've read about it on the internet, and seen it on the news. It's the fastest growing religion in America. That's right, I'm talking about Emo. It purports to be a religion of peace and stuff, but what lurks beneath this awkward pale exterior? In a daring trainsaw exposé, we go under the surface to uncover the dark, bleeding stabby heart that wants to kill itself.

At its core, Emo is a simple religion based on one overarching principle: if you pretend to be a dark, mysterious, and poetic person (and a general sissy), chicks will like you. To practice Emo is to attempt to be intriguing and mysterious. Much like the Buddhist concept of enlightenment, Emoists seek to attain a state of "just...whoa."

Some scholars have labeled Emo as a cult. This is not entirely accurate. One of the classic qualities of a cult is that they have a charismatic leader. This cannot be applied to Emo, given that there are no charismatic Emos.

Like most religions, Emo incorporates concepts found in other world religions. For example, Emo proposes that cutting yourself will make you look sensitive, and that chicks dig that. This is very similar to the Muslim teaching that blowing yourself up will win you 80 virgins (plus a shot at the secret level: behead 100 infidels before time runs out and win a golden turban!).

It is difficult to define the tenets of Emo. Scholars have a difficult time studying the scriptures of Emo (which can be found at www.livejournal.com), but are convinced that "parents" and "school" make up the unholy biumvirate who suck the life and fun out of the world with their twisted powers to "not understand me." When reached for comment, a spokesman for Emo said "Ugh, whatever."

Despite this apparently dynamic and segmented dogma, there are still a number of common practices and traditions in modern Emo. For example, razors are revered and are only to be used on wrists, never on hair. Diaries are used regularly, and left in obvious places so that other people will see them and admire their author for his/her intriguing introspective habits. "Conformance" is banned, and any Emo seen to be conforming is immediately ostracized, if not eaten alive. Threats of suicide should be made as often and obviously as possible. Group worship services are rare, but do occur, such as at the My Chemical Romance national tour (sponsored by Gillette).

The most important question to ask yourself when studying a new religion is: Will they try to kill us? And the answer is: No. Emos are sissies, they only kill themselves. So there's not really too much to worry about. Unless one of your friends is Emo. You should probably worry about that. Remember, friends don't let friends go Emo.