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Last Update: 09.05.03

Fanny Packs: the invention wrongfully eclipsed by pockets

Have you ever been walking around town with your hot-pink fanny pack and then suddenly, when you stopped to grab some change out of it, you wondered what the history of the fanny pack was? I'm sure we've all had this experience at least once, so to indulge your curiosity, I did some research on this fascinating article of metaclothing.

History

Fanny packs were invented on approximately March 30th, 370 B.C. by Mrs. Gurma Durg. Although inventions of the day were generally credited to males, regardless of the true inventor, none wanted to claim credit for the fanny pack. On March 31st of the same year, Stevey Durg invented the phrases "Geez mom, do you have to wear that in public?" and "No, I don't want to wear it, I'll just carry my sharp rock in my hand the whole time." The following day, the first April Fool's joke occurred, when Mrs. Gurma was ruthlessly slaughtered in her sleep and none of her fanny packs were ever seen again. In that day and age, that was a pretty funny joke. Unfortunately, this meant that the technology of the fanny pack was lost for centuries.

The fanny pack was independently reinvented in Scotland in the 16th century. Scottish highlanders would use it to carry money or other small objects at a convenient location at their waist. Soon after, the Scottish invented the skirt. This subjected them to a wave of criticism that prompted them to then develop the pike and the bagpipes, both designed to keep enemies and critics as far away as possible. All of these are still worn together to this day.

Uses

The fanny pack is an incredibly useful tool and accessory. It can be used to fashionably add impromptu pockets to outfits that don't have them (such as prom dresses) or to store snacks (such as pretzels) to help you fend off insulin shock. Additionally, filling a fanny pack with quarters can allow them not only to hold more than $100, but to also make a great bludgeoning weapon, complete with an adjustable strap to control the length. Fanny packs can also be used to make an impromptu sling, like the fanny pack that David used to slay Goliath. The Bible says that David took 7 stones from the river bed and placed them in a bag at his side and then used his sling to kill Goliath. "A bag at his side" sure sounds like a fanny pack to me. Plus, if you put 7 stones in it before using it as a sling, it'd have excellent spread, sort of like a rock shotgun. With a shotgun, anybody could kill a giant. David was a military genius.

Other uses for fanny packs include

-Wear a fanny pack to create a 3-foot (minimum) perimeter around yourself at all times. This property of fanny packs is still not entirely understood. The radius is, however, related to the square of the number of fanny packs. That is, wearing 5 fanny packs at once keeps other people at bay at a radius of 75 feet. There have been several experiments attempting to optimize the radius of fanny packs with the range of their sling-like capabilities.

-If you soak fanny packs in cat urine, they glow under UV light. Oddly enough, fanny packs, if left in the closet for very long, have an almost unerring tendency to become soaked in cat urine, regardless of whether or not you have a cat. If you then wear a fanny pack to, say, a rave, you'll soon discover this mysterious property of fanny packs.

-Fanny packs can be used as a non-verbal method of communication. Similar to the way other animals mark out territory, or give off signs that they are prepared for mating or other rituals, wearing a fanny pack just screams "Mother of 2 or more." If it doesn't scream loud enough, replace the batteries.

-If you forgot to wear clothes today, you can wear a fanny pack instead to afford yourself a little bit of decency.

-Fanny packs can be filled with lead and then used to drown goats.

Conclusion

Although the history of fanny packs has been largely tragic and bloodthirsty, these mobile pockets deserve a level of respect above and beyond their typical stigma. I think that April 1 should be declared national fanny pack day, in honor of Gurma Durg's death. Plus, it's April Fool's day, so if anybody actually sees you, you can write it off as a prank.