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Last Update: 08.13.03

The North Pole: nowhere to go but south

One thing that I've never been able to understand is just why the North Pole hasn't conquered the rest of the world yet. They could easily do it, but we just ignore them as if they're not a threat. We don't even have an official foreign policy plan to deal with the North Pole.

I asked some important people whose names I can't tell you (here's a hint: they talk into microphones in the wrists of their shirts) why we're not on the defensive against the North Pole, and they just laughed. NOT SMART. They didn't get any presents for Christmas that year. Anyway, I think the big reason that we're not prepared for an attack from those North Pole hooligans is that we don't consider them a threat (that or we assume we'll figure things out before they get even halfway across the giant wasteland of Canada and/or Greenland. All of you that play Risk know about that one). So I've posted this report on the status of the North Pole's military, so maybe some people will finally start paying attention.

The Facts

-Leadership: The North Pole (TNP) is led by Santa Clause. Everybody knows this. However, Santa Clause leads TNP in about the same way that the President leads the USA—he's got some executive powers, but he's mostly just a figure head that represents them to other countries. The real power is in the lesser known military genius that does all of the behind the scenes work: Northpoleon. He's a devious strategist that was outlawed to the island of Greenland twice, but he's returned, and he has the support of the people.

-Personnel: TNP has enough elves to create a sizeable army, most likely larger than the USA's, but smaller than China's because China is pretty big. These elves remain young and able-bodied for a very long time, and so TNP's army would not see a decline in ability over time.

-Factors of production: It is known that TNP can produce toys for all of the children in the world. If they can do that, then they can also produce enough tanks for all of the elves in TNP. Additionally, if they began production right after Christmas day, they would have 364 (365 on a leap year) days to produce tanks before anybody noticed a shortage of toys on the next Christmas.

-Mobility: Santa is capable of flying around the entire world, to every house, in one night. Even if he takes advantage of time zones, which give him additional time to complete his task, this clearly means that he is capable of traveling extremely fast. Therefore, if TNP mounted an attack, we would not have time to respond by the time Canada and Greenland fell.

-Alternative forces: In addition to their capabilities on land, TNP is rich in seals, which would give them an exceptionally powerful navy as well. Also, Santa has a desert sled driven by 10 flying camels (Dromedary, Mohammed, Leaper, Spitter, Muhammad, Jumper, Mohommad, Muhommad, Bactrian, and Abji) that would give them capabilities in the deserts of the world as well.

-Morale: Elves don't request pay, and are fiercely loyal to Santa Clause.

-Other scary things: Most elves have blonde hair and blue eyes. Also, because Jews do not celebrate Christmas, there are no Jewish elves. Anybody else think this is starting to sound like pre-war Germany?