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Last Update: 01.17.04

Online dating: not worth all the banners

I keep seeing banners in my e-mail talking about online dating services. They usually have pictures of some sort of good looking girl that tries to convince you that there really are some good looking people that use online dating services. After all, it's so hard for hot chicks to find a date where they are, most of them have to use a cheesy online service to get anybody to speak to them.

Anyway, I decided to find out once and for all just what these things are all about. To infiltrate the online dating community, I painstakingly created a foolproof online identity that even the FBI would have had difficulty seeing through.

Name: John Rambo

Sex: Male
Age: Old enough to remember 'Nam.
Occupation: Classified
Hobbies: Killing things, sharpening my knife
Interests: My knife, long walks on the beach, killing things on the beach
Location: Your backyard, Connecticutt
Height: Probably back in about '82-83
Weight: 380, but that's with my shoes on and a machine gun in each hand
Build: Machine guns
Looking for: The enemy base
Perfect date: June 6, 1944

Look out, ladies! With this identity established, I was ready to start meeting some babes, or at least some people that claim to be babes long enough that they hope you start to like them for who they really are. And you would, if they really were a babe. But I digress.

Surprisingly enough, I had a tough time finding a lady to speak to. The place was pretty much full of balding fat dudes over 40 that were trying to figure out why they weren't married yet. I started wondering why they put pictures of hot women on the banners for the dating service instead of the people that were actually there. It seemed like false advertising to me. And the ladies that I did manage to meet were never as nice as the ones on the banner looked. It was surprisingly difficult to arrange a date with anybody (some dating service), or even to get them to talk to you for very long. Here are a few sample conversations:

Alleged female: Hi! ;) lol
John Rambo: I wrestle with sharks.
AF: Uh...right. Do you like long walks on the beach?
J-Ram: Yes. And sharks.
AF: Wat is ur problem?
J-Ram: My knife isn't sharp enough.
(no reply for about 10 minutes)
J-Ram: I like cheesecake.

Alleged female #2: I like long walks along the beach.
John Rambo: I like long walks along Omaha beach.
AF2: There are beaches in Nebraska?
J-Ram: No.
AF2: Lol ur funny! a/s/l?
J-Ram: You know there's a reason they have you put that information in your profile.
AF2: I no!!! That is SO tru! a/s/l?
J-Ram: You wouldn't understand. You've never seen your best friend slaughtered right in front of you by a herd of Mongolian attack weasels.
(long pause)
AF2: a/s/l?

FBI agent pretending to be a 15 year old girl: Hi! Wanna meet me in a hotel room?
John Rambo: The only hotel I ever stay in is the Hanoi Hilton.
FBIAPTBA15YOG: I'm a cute, athletic soccer chica! u?
J-Ram: I'm athletic too. I'll arm-wrestle you.
FBIAPTBA15YOG: My parents are out of town this weekend, wanna come over? We could "wrestle" all right!
J-Ram: I could crush your skull in my hand.
FBIAPTBA15YOG: plz?
J-Ram: That's okay, I prefer dating FBI agents pretending to be girls that are at least 17 years old. And soccer is a stupid sport.

Balding fat guy: J-Ram? Does that mean you like ramming things?
John Rambo: I like ramming into stone walls with my head.
BFG: That sounds kinky. Do you like to ram anything else with your head?
J-Ram: I killed 3000 Viet Cong.
BFG: Military boys are SO HOT!

Needless to say, I got pretty sick of the service before very long. As my parting service to the online dating community, I agreed to meet the soccer chick, then gave her address to the balding dude and told him that if he came over he could check out how big my guns were. I never followed up on the situation, but I'm willing to bet it was pretty hilarious.