trainsaw.com

Last Update: 10.27.04

A fair and balanced ridicule

Only days before the election, Senator John Kerry made a startling announcement—that he has changed his mind, and doesn't really want to run for President. In an effort to display his support of bi-partisan politics, President Bush has opted to fill his spot as the Democratic candidate. Since a lot of Americans are idiots who will vote straight tickets anyway, it looks like it will be a close race, and we won't know what party commands the White House until election day.

Since this move has many Americans stunned and confused, Bush has issued several press releases specifying both of his stances on some of the big issues. For example, if elected as a Democrat, Bush has promised that he will work to abolish the No Child Left Behind Act, except in cases of rape, incest, or danger to the mother's life. If elected as a Republican, however, he has issued a strongly worded promise to chain all Democrats to a razor-wire fence and beat them with reeds, as permitted by the Patriot Act. Additionally, he has reiterated that his policy on healthcare will not change, no matter which party elects him. He has, however, pointed out that he will not actually pay for the healthcare plan if elected as a Democrat.

The president's stances on the war on terror are much more consistent. Both of him have promised to pursue enemies of freedom wherever they may be, and to do it way, way better than the other candidate. Bush as a Republican promised to act in the best interests of America without hesitation, whereas Bush the Democrat swore he would bend over "as far as possible" for the U.N.

In one of his two closing remarks, Bush swore that he would bring an experienced levelheadedness to the office of President, which an enraged Bush immediately countered with "Don't let that psycho into office, vote for me."

The media at the recent press conference explaining this turn of events were stunned speechless, and they have yet to print this story because they're all cowards. In other news, Michael Moore has allegedly killed himself.