trainsaw.com

Last Update: 07.05.05

I wrote this in the gate area while the rest of you suckers stood in line

If you're making a list of people to kick in the mouth, then you probably consider this website a valuable resource. Lucky for you, I'm feeling resourceful today.

Okay, so airports are the worst idea since public transit. In theory, you'd think it would work well—people travel together, they travel more quickly, and we save fuel and money. Great, right? There's one big complication, though—you have to travel with other people. If you're as brilliant as we are, then that probably means you're traveling with people way dumber than you. Yes, dumber. Lots dumber.

So here's the thing that really bugs me. When you're at the airport, and you're getting ready for your flight, they call you by row so that they can board the back of the plane first so that the people in the back can load their oversized carry-ons into the extra space in the front before those people are there. So as soon as the airport people call "now boarding rows 142-147", every single person in the whole gate area stands up and starts forming this sinister 8-foot perimeter around the entrance to the gangway. This is great, because then when they call "now boarding rows 138-141" those 12 people have to fight through everyone in rows 1 through 138 before they can get on the plane.

What's the freakin' deal? Let's count the layers of stupidity here:

1. The airplane leaves at the same time for everyone. If you get on the plane sooner, you do not, in fact, arrive any sooner than the people behind you. By clogging the boarding area, the best you're doing is slowing down the whole group.

2. Your seats are already assigned. You will not get a better seat by being the first one in line.

3. You were just sitting in an airport lounge seat, with elbow room, head room, and leg room. You're racing to be the first one to cram yourself into a 2'x2'x4' box.

4. If you annoy me and others around you, the terrorists win.

If you're not going to stop crowding around the entrance like you're lining up for funnel cakes, then maybe you should try to carry a bomb, steel shiv, or toothpick onto the airplane. You probably won't make it through security, and chances are you won't be flying again for a very long time. This means more room for the rest of us. Especially if you're fat. Oh and if you're one of those people who pretends like you can't read your row number and tries to go up to the counter a little bit earlier, I hope you wake up one day with your throat in a different state from the rest of you.