The other day my roommate turned on the TV because he hadn't yet realized that I'd rather inhale a jellyfish than watch any show on TV these days. Enter marketing, stage left. Enter trainsaw, sarcasm, and loathing, stage right. Conflict ensues.
So a car commercial came on. There was a small car sliding around on empty streets, making me think about how much I want to buy a car that slides when it corners. Then at the end, they tried to pull a fast one on me: "Introducing the all new Nissan Phantasmagon" or something like that. All new? What's that crap? You've been putting out that same car for about 5 years. What's so new? It looks the same. It still has 4 wheels. I'm not impressed.
If car companies want to advertise things as new, know what they need to do? Start making tanks. I'd consider it new if a vehicle came out with treads. Plus, the marketers could have a heyday with all of the unique features of tanks. They're perfect for:
-Offroading
-Parades
-Invading France
With features like that, it's sure to outsell German cars, even in their own country. Plus, tanks would make the passenger's seat fun again. And you know the dealers could make a whole bunch of money selling options on these things. Lots of awesome paint jobs available: urban camo, jungle camo, desert camo. For a little extra, you can throw in chrome treads.
The other big advantage of tanks is that you know they'd get the government's 5-star safety rating for front and side collisions, and also probably for claymore mines and assault rifles. I'd imagine that the user's manual would have to have a couple of extra clauses in it, though. You know, like "please do not drive over the president." And maybe "Warning, do not attempt to peel out or the road may disintegrate."
Still, though, this is the greatest idea ever. I think I just hit on the next big thing. Pretty soon they'll come out with stretch tankozines that really rich people can take from the airport, people will start putting neon lights on their tanks (which really defeats the purpose of the camo), and people will be installing sound systems so huge that you can still hear the bass over the massive destruction of innocent people at the hands of the greatest invention of modern times. Awesome.
