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Last Update: 02.26.07

Catching fish is not a sport. Throwing fish, on the other hand...

So due to a recent unfortunate seating arrangement at a nearby bar and grill, I found myself watching sport fishing on ESPN27. This was a very educational experience, in much the same way as getting stabbed in the stomach is an educational experience. You know, you're like "hmm, so that's what it feels like to get stabbed" but it's not really information you ever wanted to come by. Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my insightful revelations in hopes that spreading the pain out across the entire trainsaw fanbase will somehow lessen the tragedy of the hours of my life that were wasted.

Observation number 1: despite initial appearances, being a professional sport fisherman is not the worst job in the entire world. The worst job is being a sport fishing announcer. You're not good enough to be a sport fisherman, so instead you have to study the famous sport fishermen and explain their genius to the rest of the world. How exactly do you come upon this job at career day? What do you have to be thinking? "Well let's see, I enjoy writing, so perhaps journalism. But how might I mix my two great passions, writing and lazy old men?"

Observation number 2: the sport (and I use that term very loosely) appears to have been designed for the sole purpose of angering PETA. Guys haul fish out of the water, but that by itself isn't enough. They wave it in front of the camera and start taunting it. "Wooo! Look at this sumbitch! I'm going to kill it for no apparent reason! Man, this is a big'un! Let's name it Ralph! Say hello to the people at home, Ralph! They're the last people you'll ever speak to!" Given my well-documented hatred for PETA, I generally support this strategy, and applaud the blatant display of animal murder. However, the sport gets docked a few million points for the use of the word "sumbitch."

Observation number 3: winning a fish-catching contest is about as much of an indicator of talent as being hit by a meteor. There's really no possible reason you can consider this a legitimate competition. This is due primarily to the fact that fish are just about the dumbest animals on the face of the planet, trumped only by scientologists and Democrats. That's like creating a sport called "retard bombing." Here's how it works: every competitor gets to place a landmine on a field. After the mines are placed, we release a gaggle of retards and force them to run through the field. Whoevers landmine kills the largest retard wins. It's essentially the exact same sport, only a lot more fun to watch.

Observation number 4: If "Bassmaster" isn't a suggestively homoerotic name for your tournament, then I don't know what is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stab myself in the stomach.