trainsaw.com

Last Update: 10.12.03

Part of this balanced rant

There is only one thing stupider than not eating breakfast, and that's doing something stupider than eating breakfast. Actually, there's another thing, and that's using the word "stupider" (it's "more stupid" idiot). I don't know how you can survive without breakfast...I'm starving before I even get out of the shower. It makes me so hungry I want to eat a bar of soap. I look at it and it looks so nice and white and it has the word "Dove" on it, and then I start thinking about eating doves instead. But I digress.

As I was saying, I don't know how you people survive without eating breakfast. Actually, that's a lie, I do know how you survive: you walk around whining about how hungry you are, and how you didn't eat anything for breakfast (not that this is a change from your normal schedule, but you complain about it anyway). Just hearing you complain about something that pointless that's entirely your fault makes me want to buy you a poptart and then buy you a punch in the face. Then I'll take the pop tart back and eat it, because you don't eat breakfast anyway.

Anyway, I don't know about the rest of you, but I think that cereal ommercials are the biggest crock of fetid bile this side of a Nigerian barbecue. Cereal is the greatest idea ever, yet my eternal nemesis (marketers) have ruined it, too. What I'm talking about is that crap-laced line they feed you at the end of every cereal commercial: it's part of this balanced breakfast! That's when they show you a picture of the entire Denny's breakfast menu with a bowl of cereal next to it.

Now I don't know about you, but when I have cereal for breakfast, I have it by itself. I pour a little milk on it and POOF, there's breakfast. Apparently, marketing people don't just pour on milk, though. They pour on 5 pancakes, some sausages, 2 glasses of orange juice and an extra glass of milk, a slice of chocolate cake, 3 scrambled eggs and 2 over-easy, 3 biscuits and a pitcher of gravy. Then they go read their self-invented spam about easy weight-loss tips, but the irony is lost—on them much like the calories aren't.

Seriously—how is that a balanced breakfast? It might balance an 8-pound bowling ball (or anything else that weighs 8 pounds, like a hollowed-out armadillo carcass), but it doesn't seem to quite reflect a balanced diet. It more seems to reflect the kind of greasy fat guy that you see at the KFC lunch buffet that suddenly makes you lose your appetite because you see the remains of five dead chickens on his plate and another one trying desperately to escape from his beard and back hair. I don't really understand it, but I think there is one of these guys that lives in every KFC. There's probably a tent for him in the back, or a giant tipi made from the bones, feathers, and innards of thousands of chickens (because he was trained as an indian/ninja and they never waste any part of the animal).

The only way I would ever eat a breakfast like that is if I were just trying to spite Ethiopia, which, frankly, isn't such a bad idea.