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Last Update: 07.31.04

Cannibal-O's: Part of

News flash: health food sucks. That's why it's impossible to get kids to eat it. However, sometimes parents want their kids to eat healthy food because they are cruel overbearing Nazi foremen. However, the cruel overbearing Nazi foremen dollar is a pretty big one, so I've come up with a brilliant product that, while crappy and worthless in every way, will probably make me a lot of money.

Everybody knows that kids won't eat cereal unless it has been rolled in sugar. This is why kids are fat and deserve to die (or just get smacked until they cry). If you want your kids to eat a healthy breakfast, you need to buy our cereal: Cannibal-O's. The slogan says it all: "If you don't eat your cereal, IT WILL EAT YOU!" Made with wholesome whole wheat and oats, the cereal comes in fun shapes the whole family can enjoy: a human femur, a headhunter spear, and who could forget Tukwani the Cannibal? To add to the fun and excitement, every box comes equipped with a sound box that plays a sound every time it's opened. The sounds are randomly selected from tribal war drums, verbal threats from Tukwani, or the agonized, tortured screams of a hapless individual being cooked alive.

If your kids still won't eat their breakfast, get them the plush Tukwani pillow to carry to bed—free with 5 UPCs and $35.99 shipping and handling. Every night, it will try to choke your children in their sleep, or wake them up by gnawing on their limbs. If they try to throw it out, just get another one. Don't tell them it's not the same one, and remind them, "Cannibals don't like it when you're inhospitable."

If that doesn't work, buy the Cannibal-O's Human Veal Recipe Book. Leave it lying around for a few days, maybe with a few pages dog-eared. If your kids don't get the point, then you have no choice but to slaughter your eldest child and serve their boiled flesh to the rest of your family. Feel no remorse: remember, you can always make more kids.