trainsaw.com

Last Update: 09.26.04

Here's the story I heard, it's probably true

Lately a lot of conflicting stories and accusations have been floating around the major news networks over just what happened at CBS. Here's the gist of it, and since trainsaw is a reputable source you know you can trust this.

Okay, so Dan "Action" Rather sacrificed a goat in his basement as part of a deal with the devil to get some dirt on Bush. This goat's name was Larry, and he was pro-life and pro-gay-marriage, but he felt that Kerry's questionable wartime service record cast aspersions on his credibility as a possible president. The day after said sacrifice, Action Rather ran into some homeless guy with some papers he had made in Word at a public computer lounge and printed off. These papers talked about Bush's national guard record in a less-than-favorable way. Immediately, Rather wrote the homeless guy a check for $666 in exchange for the papers, taking his presence as a sign from the prince of darkness. Since they were brothers in Satan, Rather instantly deemed the guy a credible source. Meanwhile, the homeless guy cashed the check and took the money to $.25 draft night at a nearby campus bar and got really, really hammered.

After immediately releasing the news to the general public and then dancing around the office with glee, Rather made an unpleasant realization: the papers smelled like urine. Worse still, however, was the fact that others had started researching the papers, and weren't entirely convinced of their accuracy. A few days later, they were proved forgeries, proving once and for all that now is not yet the time for the prophet of Satan, who was, at this point, passed out in a gutter somewhere.

CBS (Corporate Bullshit Station) has since been struggling to save face in the storm of public indignation that has resulted from the incident. Disparaging comments are frequent, such as weathermen making remarks such as "You can see that the barometer is falling, much like our credibility" or "Now for the weather—the only part of the news that people actually don't expect to be true." In addition, Action Rather issued a formal apology, although it was made during a special broadcast that cut into "Everybody Loves Raymond", so nobody saw it.

In an attempt to salvage their plummeting ratings, CBS is planning to replace Action Rather with a rapper, probably one with a name like "NM-a" or X-zorbitant, who won't be afraid to axe the right questions.