Christian Rock sucks. That's right—no introduction, no segue of any kind. I don't want anything to soften the blow of just how much this genre of music blows.
The primary problem with Christian rock is that Christian rock bands only really have one song. I don't mean that each Christian band only has one song—they only have one song between them, and its lyrics go like this:
I don't see why it would pain them so much to write some new lyrics, but everyone seems comfortable using those.
The reason this horrible plague propagates though, is because 1) people are stupid, and 2) other people are stupid. The praise band at some Wednesday night campus thing gets together and says "Guys, we're together for a REASON...I think that we have a mission...no, a MANDATE!" and suddenly a band is born without the usual cohesive forces of talent that we expect to find at a band's inception. When they play for the first time in front of the random campus thing (which is really about the 800th time they've played, but the first time they've played AS their band) nobody tells them they suck because 1) they're too nice to ever offer constructive criticism, much less the scathing destructive criticism these guys deserve, and 2) it had "God" in the lyrics, so who are we to question it?
When the new band tries to take the step from covering somebody else's crappy songs to writing new crappy songs, there's almost undoubtedly someone in the band who says "Hey, maybe we could write a song that doesn't have the word 'God' in it." This person is immediately stoned to death. The band leader (or interim band leader if the band leader happens to be recently deceased) will then point out that they can never allow anything to dilute their message. Of course, the best way to ensure that your message is never diluted is to throw it out into a sea of identical-sounding songs the likes of which could drown the entire world in its sickening black tide.
P.S. If you read this and send me an e-mail saying "Amen" then do me a favor and punch yourself. You're not clever.
