If you've ever said one of these things then you are dumber than George W. Bush
There are a lot of stupid people in the world, and you're probably one of them. Don't be distressed by this fact, though, because you're probably too stupid to tell the difference. The most recent wave of stupidity I'd like to address is to all of the conspiracy theorists out there, and the idiots that believe them. I'm going to prove to all of you in 3 easy steps exactly why you're wrong, but you're probably too stupid to follow them.
So recently someone made a claim to me that all of the evidence suggests that the government not only knew about 9/11, but helped to facilitate it as part of their ultimate goal to take away our personal freedoms. This person died a few minutes later since he no longer had enough functioning brain cells to keep his heart beating. I keep hearing mindless theories like this, and I don't understand how anyone with reasoning facilities beyond that of your average goat (see object, eat object) could actually believe them.
Let's delve a little deeper into this. The people claiming these conspiracies are simultaneously asserting:
-George W. Bush is the stupidest person on the face of the planet.
-George W. Bush personally orchestrated a brilliant plot, aided unwillingly by terrorists who were mere puppets in his hand, to achieve his ultimate goal of having scissors confiscated at airports.
You people honestly believe that the "dumbest person alive" could have designed and executed such a brilliant plot, and covered up the evidence so well that only the Illuminated such as you can detect it? The only reasonable conclusion we can draw from this is that you are in fact dumber than the person in question. If we axiomatically assume that GWB is in fact the stupidest person on the face of the planet, this means that you are the "stupidester" person alive. That's not good for you.
Personally, I don't think the president is the stupidest person ever. I don't think you manage to get elected president (twice) without a certain amount of mental facility not possessed, for example, by you. But really, I don't think that any politician is clever enough to organize a vast conspiracy to do anything more than waste a lot of time. Do any of you really expect that the entire Republican party meets in a secret underground bunker every Tuesday night, wearing hooded black robes, and plotting how to best coordinate their efforts to remove freedom and happiness from their constituents? Of course not. Tuesday nights are when they beat their children.
And really, what sort of politician has the ultimate goal of removing personal freedoms from the people? It's like you're looking at politicians as if they're villains from Captain Planet—people whose ultimate goal is to pollute the world! Muahaha! No. Their goal is to make money and get re-elected, generally in that order.
If at this moment you're considering a rebuttal that begins with "But what about..." or "You didn't account for..." then take a few moments to breathe, and reflect upon your thoughts. Then shoot yourself in the mouth. Then feel free to mail me your rebuttals so I can point out that—whether you're right or not—you're still the stupidest person on the face of the planet, and you're bleeding from the cheek.
