Teaching children the value of hating your employers
So for those of you that don't know, Sesame Street has sold its soul—a sure sign that the Apocalypse is almost here. Cookie Monster (who is, I should state, a furry blue puppet with googly eyes) will be changing his "C is for Cookie" song to "A cookie is a sometimes food, fruits and vegetables are an anytime food." You might think that's funny, but I'm actually not making this up. Check the news. This is for real. They think that Cookie Monster is influential enough to small children that changing his habits will help to combat childhood obesity. Really.
I was lucky enough to get to pre-screen one of the new episodes of Sesame Street. That's a lie, this is the part where I start making things up. But that first paragraph is completely true. Cookie Monster is moping around looking kind of sad. The following exchange takes place:
Children: What's wrong, Cookie Monster?
Cookie Monster: Oh...nothing...
Children: Come on, I know something's wrong! Do you want a cookie?
CM: No...not today.
Children: No cookies? Why not?
CM: Because the producers are cocks.
Now that's what we really need to start teaching children. As part of the sweeping reforms they're making, other characters will see significant change as well. Oscar the Grouch, for example, is going on Prozac. His catch phrase has been changed from "scram!" to "Hey, do you kids want to come hang out?" Also, they'll be introducing Cookie Monster's new love interest, Vegan Monster, whose catchy-but-annoying song is "Sorry, I can't eat that." She dies of starvation within a few weeks, and Cookie Monster—mistakenly interpreting her name to imply that she classifies as an "anytime food"—devours her corpse with all the gusto that we've come to expect from him.
Meanwhile, Kermit hangs himself from Snuffy's trunk. And who can really blame him?
