I would like to take a moment to remind all of you low-carb fanatics that you're utter morons. In the course of this rant I hope to remind you of that 4 or 5 times, and maybe it will start to sink in. I'm sick of seeing everybody advertise their new low-carb menu that caters especially to morons. If I owned a restaurant, my commercials right now would say "Guess what? You're still fat and everybody knows it. Eat here." Oh well. There's a reason that I'm not in marketing, but I'm pretty sure it's because I would take the whole field by storm and add revolutionary levels of wit and intelligence. This, naturally, would cause all the world's existing marketers to explode. Thus, since I'm clearly opposed to mass murder I abstain.
I have to do something about the issue, though, so here comes reminder #2: you're a moron. Your low-carb diet isn't doing jack.
The first thing that should be understood about a low-carb diet is that lots of things have carbs in them. Quick etymology lesson for you: carb is short for carbohydrate. This comes from two root words. Ths first is carbo, which is from the Greek carpo, which if "carpal tunnel syndrome" is any clue has something to do with your wrist. The second root is hydrate which means water. Thus, carbohydrates means watery wrists. But wrists have veins running through them, and veins are a lot like the xylem and phloem in plants. Water flows through these. So clearly the word carbohydrate refers to plants. And yes, you're still a moron.
Anyway, since plants are carbohydrates it should quickly become obvious that lots of things have carbohydrates in them. If you're getting ready to eat something and want to know if it has carbs in it, just ask yourself this question: is this a plant, or plant product? If the answer is no, then you're probably either eating an animal or eating gravel.
There are some other things that have carbohydrates in them, however. Milk, for example. Milk is not a plant product, but it is sort of watery, and cows have wrists. Milk has lactose in it, which is one of the simple sugars. And sugars are carbohydrates, too. So at this point, the only things left for you to eat are meat, water, and metal. Metal is usually too hard to eat, but you can usually get sufficient amounts of metal in your diet by just drinking water in a really crappy town that doesn't filter anything.
Meat, on the other hand, is both soft and tasty, making it the perfect target for low-carb morons (i.e. people with very dry wrists). Unfortunately, though, with all of the carbs that you cut out of your diet, you're probably pretty hungry, since if you're on a diet you're fat anyway. So you eat a whole lot of meat.
So let's look at your meal plan for a minute: meat for breakfast, meat for lunch, more meat for dinner, repeat until dead. Oh, and to make up for all the plants (a.k.a. "healthy things") you're not eating, toss in a multivitamin. They're magical, they'll probably do something good.
So...you're calling this a diet? That sounds more like a binge to me. Much as I love a good steak, I think that 20 of them in a week might start to get old. Plus you'd probably need some colon therapy.
I think that the guy who invented this so-called diet was actually a closet vegetarian. His goal was to get lots of fat people to eat tons of meat until they got so sick of meat that they never wanted to eat meat ever again. Then everybody would become happily vegetarian and soulless, and cows would overrun the world because I would be the only person left eating them. The fat people would still be fat, though, because they'd keep eating way too much, it'd just be way too many veggie burgers instead of pork chops. Too bad for Dr. Atkins that he died before his evil plans came to fruition. Oh, and it's also too bad that some people took him seriously.
It's not carbs that makes you fat. It's also not fat that makes you fat. It's these things called calories. Nobody really knows what they are, but what we do know is that they're evil and they're out to get us. That's why we burn them. We also try to "reduce" them. It's sort of unclear what that means, but it's the same thing we try to do with Mexicans, so if you can just apply the concept of a border patrol and barbed wire to your diet, it should help.
To aid all of you helpless people who are now dietless thanks to my brutal exposé on the Moron Diet, here are some tips from Trainsaw on how to lose weight.
1. Stop being so fat. Fat people almost always weigh more than skinny people.
2. Move. At least every once in a while, MOVE. Get some exercise already. If you need help finding an entertaining exercise activity, try this one. Also, you can burn smaller amounts of calories throughout the day with simpler activities. Try developing an obsessive compulsive disorder, becoming fidgety, or overdosing on caffeine or amphetamines.
3. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. This is especially effective if you work on the 43rd floor. On the way down, you could just slide down 43 bannisters. That will burn a few pounds off of your rear. And yes, I do mean burn.
4. Eat less. If you cut a few carbs out of your diet then don't replace them with butter. Trust me, it's a net loss.
5. Shave small animals before swallowing them whole. Their fur causes you to retain extra water.
These simple tips, unfortunately, require effort. That means that all of you morons are going to keep eating tons of meat instead, because it's easier and so much more fun than actually moving every once in a while. But what do I care? You're the fat one.
