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Last Update: 04.30.05
Cancer: know the risks
So let's say, purely for the purpose of illustration, that I owed somebody tens of thousands of dollars plus the left arm of my firstborn child. Let's also assume that revenues from my dojo are down and that if I can't pay by the end of the week, I have reason to believe that my thyroid gland will find itself stapled to my thigh with a high-powered staple gun. Now left arms of firstborns aren't hard to come by, and although little Joey's dreams of playing the guitar may never come true, you can still surely see how I might become suddenly desparate to make a quick buck or two or thirty thousand. That's why I was so happy, hypothetically, when I was at the bus station last week and inspiration struck. One guy patted another guy on the back, and the second guy was like "Ow! You gave me cancer!" Luckily, the station was evacuated immediately and placed under emergency lockdown for the next month.
That got me to thinking, though. The government pays for billions of dollars in cancer research and treatment development every year. So I realized that if I create my own cancer prevention method, I could get up to $2 million in federal grants. So as part of the required documentation and public education phase, here's my patented anti-cancer regimen. Please forward it to everyone you know...forward it to 15-20 people and your wish will come true and you probably won't get cancer.
So the first mistake most cancer sufferers make is to touch people who have cancer. Most people know that this is extremely stupid. However, you should also take care not to make close contact with people who are at high risk for contracting cancer. Remember, they may have cancer and just not know it yet. Giving CPR to smokers is an excellent way to catch cancer. If you are currently giving CPR to someone, especially a smoker or a person you are not well-acquainted with, you should stop immediately and seek medical attention.
You should never give CPR to a stranger. If you give CPR regularly, you should use protection. Popular protection methods include a barrier method (such as a 3-foot thick lead wall) or anti-septics. Listerine works well, and for best results we recommend 8 glasses of Listerine every day.
Your best bet for reducing your risk of contracting cancer is to eliminate all contact with cancerous patients whatsoever. The safest course of action for society would be to mimic the behavior of packs of wolves: if a person is discovered to have cancer, he should be immediately thrown off a cliff. In time, perhaps this course of action will become more socially acceptable. It's a shame when unfounded beliefs and traditions get in the way of medicine and science. Oh, and as a side note—if you find that you have cancer in your hand, you should gnaw it off.
By following these steps, we may in time be able to eliminate cancer forever, much like we eliminated mullets in the early 90s. We can only hope that they will never grow back.
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