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Last Update: 05.10.07

Ford Motor Company: Mindlessly exploiting red state values since 1903

As climbing gas prices make more and more Americans contemplate suicide, and with no end in sight to the war in Iraq, car companies are looking for new sources of income to supplant the profits they expect to lose due to the mass deaths of consumers. In light of this, Ford has announced that they will be entering the weapons production market.

Ford, now officially known as the "Ford Mortar Company", issued a press release regarding their new business model. "In the 70's, people would joke that Ford stood for Found On Road Dead. We've come a long way since then, so now, in 2007, people will unquestionably associate Ford with Found On Road DEAD!"

Ford Mortar Company will begin unveiling its first series of new products, the 2008 model years, starting in late October. This will include a large line of WmD's (weapons of minor destruction). In order to pass export laws, none of these WmD's are to exceed 60 mS (milli-Saddams) in firepower, but that doesn't mean they won't be awesomely fun to use around the neighborhood. Consumers who can't get enough power will love the new 2008 Crown Victoria tube-fired rocket apparatus. Initial tests show that it can accelerate from 0-600 in 0.9 seconds, and although it failed all of the government's safety tests, since when does that matter to anybody? The Crown Vic comes with an assortment of options, including a laser navigation system or tinted rear viewfinders--ask your dealer for details.

The new 2008 F-150 is in a class all by itself. As always, it has the highest towing capacity in its class (that class being civilian-class light-armored tanks). Its acceleration is an impressive 0-15 in 8 seconds, and it comes with power steering and power tripping standard.

However, since Americans are becoming increasingly concerned with the environment (or maybe I've just been talking to more and more hippies), Ford has also decided to produce a number of clean and hybrid weapons, including the new Fusion light incendiary device, which burns 100% clean natural gas that make it carbon-neutral to own and operate, as long as it's not used to burn trees or dinosaurs.

Finally, Ford has announced that it will be re-releasing the Model T for its 100th birthday. "Cars have long been one of the leading causes of accidental death," said a spokesman for the company. "We look forward to celebrating the continued success of a great American company, and to having millions more killed with our 100% American products."