Read this article by tomorrow night or Tommy's going to beat you senseless with a baseball bat
I hate Italy. Don't take this the wrong way, but all Italians should be killed. Maybe that's a little extreme, but hey, I just got done watching The Godfather, and I'm frickin' terrified. I mean, every single Italian is obviously in the mafia. That makes Italy, at 56 million people, the world's largest gang (followed closely by the Sharks, at 23). Just think what would happen if all of the Italians one day decided that, instead of fighting amongst themselves, cutting off Louie's fingers when he slips up on a payment to Frankie, they wanted to band together and invade France. There's no precedence, so all we have are our nightmares.
A scene from one of my own worst nightmares. I don't know who this guy is or why he's in black and white, but let me tell you: he's scary.
As if this weren't terrifying enough, Italy is also home to one of the most ruthless and sinister figures in all of human history: the pope. When I first saw this guy, I thought that since he seemed old and frail, he'd just be a kindly old man. Boy was I wrong. This guy eats human flesh and drinks blood from a fancy chalice. And if you ever thought that the pope was a forgiving sort of guy, just check out the dude that they nailed over the doorway.
Pope John Paull II pats the front of his robe to make sure his 9 milli is still there in case Vinnie tries to pull something funny.
If this hasn't convinced you yet that the Italians are deserving of a mass genocide (don't worry, the Germans would probably be up to it, or else the Russians), consider the fact that nothing useful has ever come out of Italy. Their greatest invention was italics, but I for one could live without those. The Olive Garden has already become safely Americanized, so we don't even have to worry about losing our fetuccini alfredo. And Italian Sausage is just regular sausage that's been prepared by gangsters. What do we have to lose? We should look forward to a brighter tomorrow where geography teachers remind their students that the boot-shaped crater is Italy, and the Japan-shaped crater is New Arizona. Everybody will be able to breathe easier, and as you walk home at night, you'll know that you won't be mugged and killed by some crazy mafia villain. That's right, if you're mugged and killed, it will be by a good, wholesome American.
