Sue is both a stupid name and a stupid concept...like Harold
Do you remember back when being a lawyer was an honorable profession? Lawyers protected the little men from the robber barons, and ensured justice and equality for all. I don't remember those days either. As far as I have ever known, lawyers have been on the same approximate level as leeches, tarantulas, tapeworms, and mimes. Lawsuits aren't a bad idea, but in the last few decades it seems like the only function they have served is a sort of pseudo-lottery where the people with the worst ideas win.
You all know the kinds of lawsuits I'm talking about: the McDonald's coffee lady, the McDonald's fat kid, the guy that sued the owners of the house he was robbing when he hurt himself on a knife in their kitchen, the guy that sues the guy that ran over him with a truck—as if the involuntary manslaughter charge isn't enough for justice to be served. The lawyers that bring these kinds of things to court (and the juries that actually award money to these idiots) remind me of vegetarians (whom I also hate). They think that no creature in the universe should ever suffer, and that somehow it's possible to take away all pain and discomfort ever to exist (the irony of this is that vegetarians make everybody around them experience pain and suffering, and by their own philosophies should not be allowed to live). The lawyers believe almost the same thing, only instead of trying to prevent all discomfort they just think that uncomfortable people are entitled to money. Speaking of which, I should sue the makers of this chair because it sucks. Anyway, these lazy people think that just because something went wrong, they are entitled to money. That's a stupid stance reserved only for people that haven't yet figured out how to abuse the government's welfare system.
Now I think it's fine that if a person or company was negligent, as in the case of the guy who got hit by a truck, that medical bills should be reimbursed. But all of this drivel about "psychological trauma" is so full of crap that you could structure a modern art museum around it. If you can sue for psychological trauma, then I'd like to sue all of the people that have cut themselves, burned themselves, castrated themselves, or killed their parents out of sheer stupidity and then sued the maker of the knife, coffee, chainsaw, and bulldozer respectively, because all of those people have caused me immense psychological distress not to mention this burning feeling on the inside of my brain every time that I even have to look at somebody so massively stupid. Their stupidity is so dense that it distorts time around them, which is part of the reason they're so slow to pick up how much of an idiot they are. It also distorts space, though, which is why they look so ugly.
Not everybody sues for billions of dollars, though. Some people sue for $23 and the return of their cat. If you don't believe me, just watch Judge Judy. I think disputes like this are so petty that they shouldn't even be brought to court, much less televised. If the people that were arguing had any sort of real job, they could make more money in the time it took the hearing to finish than they would get if they won. Maybe they should have sued for $23 and the training to get a job that doesn't project shame onto the entire human race...screw the cat.
I have a plan for dealing with all of these frivolous lawsuits, both the big and the small. I think that we should just return to the justice system of the feudal ages: if you have a complaint to settle with Party A, then you publicly fight them to the death. If Party A broke your legs when they hit you with their truck earlier, then they'll be given a handicap. We'll dig a hole and make them stand in it, or we'll give you a stick to beat them with. If you kill Party A, everybody will probably be pissed that you crashed the party, but that's trivial. The important part is this: human life is priceless (except in the case of abortion, where it costs a few hundred bucks tops), so when you kill Party A, you've technically acquired more than you possibly could have sued for. Plus, they could make a really cool reality show by televising all of the fights. It'd be way better than Judge Judy, they could call it "Judge Judy's Gladiators" or something like that. If you win, you'll probably be a small-time celebrity for a few weeks, and could even get some of the money you so badly wanted from the interviews or offers to be in Playboy. Oh man, that would be awesome, you could have an old lady with a walker fighting against a McDonald's employee armed only with a pot of coffee. I'm going to go watch that right now, and if I can't find a show like that, then I'm going to throw my TV out the window. I should be careful, though, because if it lands on somebody they will probably sue me.
