A lot of idiots seem to have a bunch of nonsensical and contradictory reasons that they want Bush out of office. Kerry, on the other hand, bled after his botox injection and got a purple heart for it, so I'm not so sure that he's entirely prepared to be commander in chief, either. Since there's no way I'm going to sway either idiot-packed side into voting for the other one, I propose that we all write in a vote for a nice middle-ground candidate: John Madden.
The office of president has kind of decayed in recent years. People don't really pay attention to politics except for the couple second sound bite they see on a biased internet scam site or the Daily Show. Since nobody actually cares about serious politics, we don't need a real president, we just need somebody entertaining that will look good for the 3 seconds we have to watch him every week. Madden is perfect for this.
The great part about this is that Madden could host his own talk show where he discusses things he did in politics this week. He could come up with a bunch of new terms for a veto. You know, like "The senate threw up a bill and it was DENIED!" Maybe he could also expose a lot of pork-barrel spending by flashing up scoreboard stats for the most wasteful states. Maybe the senators could act as team captains, and each state's representatives could comprise their "team." You could have the Wyoming Coyotes vs. the Montana Welfare-drawing Indians competing to control the most acres of barren wasteland, or something.
Madden would definitely be a major force for the war in Iraq. He'd get out the TV markers and point out to everybody where we are and where the badguys are, and have our soldiers run in brilliant criss-cross fade patterns that leave the silly Iraqis confounded and, most importantly, tackled. Maybe he would even code name smart bombs "tinactin" and then talk about how tinactin gets the "itch" (terrorists) out in only 2 weeks of daily use. Just spray indiscriminately on the infected area in the morning and at night.
The one downside is that we probably won't get rid of all the "stupidest president yet" jokes. By "stupidest yet" people usually mean "in the last 10-12 years or so, at least in my opinion", since they obviously don't take into count such classic winners as James Buchannan. Anyway, those could very well continue for a while, and the way that Madden stumbles through some of his attempted play-by-plays, I'm guessing some of the other jokes will persist, too. We won't have any more jokes about the president looking like a monkey, though, just jokes about him being a fat person.
On a completely unrelated note, Teddy Roosevelt was awesome. He got shot and still delivered his speech with a bullet inside of him. Holy crap.
