It's that time again: time for the ultimate cataclysmic struggle that you have all been waiting for. That's right: it's the ultimate battle between evil and evil.
Most people are only told half the story. You usually only hear about the struggle between good and evil, and not the story between evil and evil. We're in the midst of March Madness right now, though, so it's time that everybody found out the truth.
Here's how it works: the top qualifiers in Good and Evil are seeded for an elimination bracket. Then they face off against each other until only one remains on each side. These then get to move on to the ultimate battle between good and evil. Here's the bracket as it currently stands:
As we predicted, the final showdown between evil and evil was Satan vs. Zombies. A lot of other people had the riding mower ranking pretty highly, though. Nathan and I seem to have the best picks so far, putting us in close competition for the Trainsaw pool. Nathan's bracket has Bruce Campbell defeating Satan in a close match, while mine has God triumphing over Zombies. We've both seen too many movies to think that evil would win. Also, neither of us wanted to see Bruce Campbell vs. Zombies because that would just be over too fast.
To fill in all of you morons who haven't been paying attention, I'll summarize how things have been going thus far. The biggest upset was definitely #6 seed Ozzy Osbourne triumphing over the #3-ranked Riding Mower in round 1. After failing to find a head that he could bite off, Ozzy apparently just murmured something about a "bloody tractor" and sat down on it. He fell off once, but he got back on and one tencount later it was all over.
Zombies vs. Stupid People was a no-brainer for any trainsaw reader. The Burt Reynolds vs. Tom Selleck match was one of the strangest in recorded history. Only one of them showed up, but nobody knows which one. Identity was unable to be established, so both were forced to forfeit. Finally, John Mayer was busy running through the halls of his high school before he discovered that Satan, Lord of Evil had strung steel wires across said hallways. Rest in pieces.
On the good side (literally) there were no upsets, but the closest match was Megaman's victory over The Rocketeer. Experts are currently attributing this to the fact that Megaman has, in addition to a rocket pack, a tri-functional dog, a plasma gun, and typically up to 8 other weapons. Some sources are also indicating that Megaman cheated by using an E-tank but this has yet to be confirmed.
There were a lot of hopefuls wanting to see #6 seed Eddie Van Halen triumphing over the #3 seed God. EVH attracted a large cult following who apparently expected this match to be "like Devil went down to Georgia, but in reverse." The audience reported that Eddie wailed "harder than I thought that even he could." Not to be outdone, God grew "what looked like about a zillion arms" and wailed all 150 Psalms concurrently on a gigantic 150-neck guitar. Psalm 119 went on a good bit longer than the others, and even had a funk solo in the middle. Mr. Van Halen supposedly crapped his pants to death, and God proved once and for all that there is a time to laugh, a time to cry, and a time to rock out hardcore (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, paraphrased).
Bruce Campbell thanked The Evil Genius for the piña colada and then blew his head off. I don't know what The Evil Genius was expecting...what he did sure didn't seem very s mart to me. As for The Rock vs. Liu Kang...let's just say that Mr. Kang might have to convert his flying bicycle kick to a flying tricycle kick from now on.
Round two put Ozzy up against Zombies. It was an intense match, because both parties just stumbled around murmuring unintelligibly. Additionally, both sides wanted to bite the others' heads off. Ozzy was outnumbered, though. Due to the interesting Burt/Tom affair, Satan went uncontested in round 2. On the other side of the bracket was a particularly exciting match: the People's Elbow vs. the Hand of God. To make a short story shorter, God won. Finally, the match between Bruce Campbell and Megaman proved once and for all why you don't take time to charge up your plasma cannon when the other guy already has a loaded double-barrel shotgun.
That's all so far. The 3rd-round match between God and Bruce Campbell is sure to be exciting. After all, Bruce Campbell is used to dealing with Deadites, not the creator of life itself. No matter which way things go, though, Bruce is sure to have some witty one-liners that will make it all worthwhile. That's not what we're here to talk about, though. This article is about the ultimate battle between evil and evil: Satan vs. Zombies.
Satan vs. Zombies! Satan vs. Freakin' Zombies! All I can say is: I hope I can get some 3rd-row tickets. The first row might be nice, too, but sometimes it's better not to stand so close to zombies. Or Satan, for that matter. You never know when he might summon a fire-breathing dragon to annihilate all in his path. Speaking of which, I should probably also try for an aisle seat. And bring some ice water.
Anyway, here's our expert opinion on how the battle will go down: Satan, Lord of Evil, turns the first wave of zombies into cheesecake. The zombies just behind these initial zombies will probably either trip over the cheesecake and find themselves suddenly trampled to undeath, or else stop to eat the cheesecake and find themselves suddenly trampled to undeath. This brilliant tactical maneuver, however, only accounts for the first row of zombies. Mr. of Evil still has a few million to go. He would then summon the noncorporeal spirit of Jill Valentine to deal with the zombies to his left, and throw his pitchfork at the zombies to his right. In mid-air, it would turn into a giant fire-breathing dragon (I KNEW IT) with a craving for cheesecake. Seeing that the zombies had eaten and/or stepped in all the cheesecake, it would be extremely angry, and would burn a few thousand zombies then and there. The smell of burning flesh would remind Satan of a barbecue, so he'd call up Hitler and The Spanish Inquisition to see if they wanted to come over. In the meantime, though, the zombies are closing in. A few dozen are close enough to engage Satan in hand-to-hand combat. Satan would scissor-kick the first zombie and impale a few others with his forked tail. The dragon would fly in and turn back into a pitchfork. Satan would catch it right after body-slamming another two or three zombies, and then perform his signature move, the Fork Lift™. However, at this point Jill Valentine has already been overrun, and Satan is almost completely surrounded by brain-hungry zombies. From here, anything could happen. It all depends on how quickly the Inquisition arrives.
I'm still betting on the zombies, but Nathan thinks Satan will spin around on the pitchfork like that one scene from The Matrix. I don't know if Satan can pull that off, though...
