I've been in at least 2 or 3 cities in the last few weeks, and I've discovered a recurring trend in all of the towns I pass through: every town has some sort of martial arts dojo. As far as I can tell, every town on Earth has a martial arts academy. If you don't think that your town does, then you're wrong—it just has a top secret one where they train assassins to kill subversive idiots who don't think their town has a dojo.
Since every town has one of these, it obviously can't be all that hard to start your own. With all of our leftover cash from our latest business venture we decided to start the Trainsaw Dojo.
The first thing we needed was a sign. This presented an interesting problem, since we needed to find out how to write "Trainsaw" in katakana. Then we realized that nobody actually knows any Asian languages, and that if we faked it nobody would notice, except maybe the people in the Chinese restaurant further down the strip mall. Here's what we came up with...I think it turned out pretty well:
The second thing we needed was a martial art. After all, it's hard to teach karate if you don't know karate. We started thinking about the sorts of things we know, and came up with a rigorous training schedule for our underlings. Before we got underlings though, we needed a way of classifying them. Most martial arts go with belts, so we thought that would work well. However, the top rank is usually a black belt, and we really didn't feel that black was sinister enough. Instead, naturally, we decided that the highest attainable rank (which we have achieved) is 18th degree ultraviolet belt. Our belts are so powerful that you can only see them under a black light, which means that you're probably at a rave. If you're at a rave and you see our belts then you're probably about to get killed because we hate raves.
On the first day of training, we teach you a bunch of new words. For example, you will only address us, your superiors, as Eggdrop McGee. This is a title of great honor and privilege, and if you ever laugh when you or another says it, then we will cut off your head with a katana and ship your remains to Thailand where they will be fed to elephants for your insolence. As a new initiate, you will be referred to as Tenderloin until you attain your first belt. From that point on, you will be known as Thimblefist.
That's not all, though. We teach you a bunch of Asian-sounding words to scream when you're hitting things. The first, and most important, is Hado-Ken. Some other good ones are wonton, kamikaze, kimono, wasabi, and chow mein. Half of the people you ever need to fight will turn and run when faced with the furious onslaught of Asian words that obviously come from extensive martial arts training.
On the second day, we teach you about honor and duty and a bunch of crap like that.
After that, most places like to start with punching through boards, but at the Trainsaw Dojo we go straight to the pile of flaming bricks. After all, courage is forged from trial. On the other hand, bones are forged from calcium, which is kind of unfortunate for you. Anybody who goes home is a sissy and we'll have to get out the katana and...well, you know the drill.
By this point, we'll probably have given you a belt of some sort. Since we really hate bright colors it probably won't be one of those pansy orange or yellow belts. We promise to give you something cool looking, but most importantly: DARK. Maybe you could be a mauve-belt, or a maroon-belt, or better yet a tropical-rainforest-belt.
After passing your initial training it's on to weapons training. This consists of one of us wearing chain mail and swinging a flail while you fend us off with a stick. If you can't properly defend yourself even after all the training we've given you, then you have dishonored yourself and your family and you deserve to die...which is kind of convenient.
The most important part of training, and the critical test for earning your UV-belt, is to build me a robot. That way, after a bunch of people have graduated from the class and gone on to start their own dojos around which a city can be built, I'll have an army of robots with which to take over the world.
Once you have built your robot, your training is complete. Now all you have to do is live by the Trainsaw Dojo fighting code. If you ever fail in this, then you have dishonored yourself. Since you are a true UV-belt, you will be expected to ritualistically decapitate yourself with a katana and mail your remains to Thailand where they will be devoured by elephants. Only when the elephants' feces have been burned and the ashes scattered into the sea has your disgrace been amended, and only then can your family show their faces in public again. It's not a good idea, though, because as soon as I see them I'll hit them with a sickle for giving birth to such a worthless waste as yourself.
