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Last Update: 11.05.08

Mass Hysteria

Last night, America elected its first mostly black president. Naturally, the world completely freaked. Of course, he's only half black, which means he's just as white as he is black. So he's not really the first black president, he's the 44th white president. But the world doesn't seem to care—it's gone completely frickin crazy.

As throngs of people went ballistic in Chicago and Times Square, Canada surreptitiously locked its front door and hoped we wouldn't notice. This proved to be a smart move, as over the next few hours America slowly collapsed into a terrifying post-apocalyptic upside-down world where apparently anything can happen.

The first hint that things were perhaps not as rosy as they appeared came when crowds of celebratory voters in Washington DC noticed that the Washington monument's reflecting pool had turned to blood. Water turning to blood has historically been taken as a sign that the shit is about to hit the fan. This was really solidified, though, when Brian Williams turned into a werewolf and tore Tom Brokaw to pieces on live TV.

As cities across America collapsed and turned to dust, Hillary Clinton announced that she is considering conceding the Democratic nomination, but that she would not make any decisions tonight. This came as a shock to many American voters, who believed her to have been sucked into the black hole that has engulfed most of New York.

There are also problems in America's heartland. Nervous voters in traditionally red states found themselves asking questions like "Can I afford my house?", "Will my taxes go up?", and "When will the zombies go away so I can unlock the door?" For many such voters, relief can not come quickly enough. For those facing foreclosure, we can only offer this advice: be sure to use all the leftover money from refinancing your house to pay off the debt on your sofa. There's no way you'll be able to pay off your mortgage you idiot, so you should invest in a good couch that you can use to build a fort. It may be a little snug for a family of 4, but at least it's a roof over your head. That or else a wall in front of you. But there aren't enough cushions for both.

The new political climate spells almost certain change for immigration policy. Mere hours after Obama's victory was announced, the Mexican border was overwhelmed with citizens and aliens alike, struggling to escape the brutal totalitarian regime for the safety of Mexico. Mexican president Felipe Calderon was unavailable for comment, but his recently-appointed Secretary of the Interior, the Chupacabra, thanked America for its years of effort securing the Mexican-American border, which have helped to stem the tide of illegal immigrants from Texas. As he fled the wastelands of America for his homeland, Jose the Plumber stopped to speak with reporters. "I can only hope that the Mexican people will treat me as an equal and a brother, regardless of the color of my skin. This is something I know can never be under Obama's reign of terror."

Not even the happiest place on earth was immune to the far-reaching effects of the election: Disney World is now the happiest place on the ocean floor, as a result of Florida breaking off from the continent and sinking into the ocean. This comes as a shock to many homeowners, who have discovered that their underwater home loans are now *actually underwater*.

Some have managed to take advantage of the widespread chaos and turn it into personal gain. For instance, Joe Biden, eager to get started in his new role as Vice President, has started a gang of senators who sift through the wreckage of collapsed building for usable scrap metal. And true to his title, he only casts a vote for inducting a new member into the gang if there's a tie.

On a lighter and more ironic note, the antichrist has descended from antiheaven, and his first act was to gather up all of the people who claimed Obama was the antichrist and grind them into a fine red paste. Happily, nobody important was injured.