The things I have to deal with while my co-workers read their e-mail
Some policies are made so that morons know what they're supposed to do. For example, the policies that they have at bread bakeries. There are other policies that exist to give smart people something to tell to morons to make it look like it's out of their control. For some reason, "Sorry sir, you're a moron," just doesn't cut it in the business world these days.
People with crappy jobs are idiots. Somehow, they think that having a job with a "tree service" makes them smarter than me. Obviously this guy has never been to college, and definitely not to bank teller school. Yet somehow he thinks he knows more about my job than I do.
Before I get started, I'd like to apologize. I'm sorry that you're a big moron. It must be hard for you. I'm sorry for not assisting you in your weakened position, since you're obviously being oppressed by society or something. I'm sorry that you're a stereotypical fat, lazy, seal-hating, pretzel-eating moron with a stereotypically busted pickup truck and stereotypically horrible hygiene. I'm sorry sir, but our bank won't let you do that. It's called protection against scam artists. Now I can recognize that you're far too stupid to be a scam artist, but you might be a scam entrepreneur that obviously isn't going to hit it big (unless "hit it big" for you means a stump-grinding job for a redwood).
This guy, we'll call him Douchebag, wants to deposit a check made out to a business that he doesn't own. The only place on the check that has Douchebag's name is on the back, where he signed it, "Francis Douchebag Esq." Let's use logic for a second. I know that's tough because logic gets tangled up somewhere in your greasy hair before it even reaches your ears, much less your brain, but try to stick with me. Say a check is made out to John Rambo, but I sign the back of it. Obviously, John Rambo wanted me to have it, right? That was a rhetorical question, and it probably made it through the wild jungles of your hair, and hopefully didn't get devoured by the wild animals inside either. So it probably made it into your head, and since you're not just a moron but an ANNOYING moron, you're probably going to answer the rhetorical question. With the wrong answer. No, John Rambo didn't want me to have it.
Now let's look at problem number two. The check is made out to a business. Our policy states that business checks cannot be cashed or deposited into personal accounts, but must be deposited into the business account. Yes, the business that it's made out to, in case you thought you could pull a fast one with your blinding wits. Mr. Douchebag, you might work for the business, you might even own the freaking business, but I'm afraid that your company's money isn't your money. Just ask Mr. Enron.
Now, as I mentioned above, that policy is partly just so I have something to tell you to make it look like I don't actually hate you. I do, in fact, hate you, but that's not the reason I'm not cashing your check. Unfortunately, you pick up on this, and make all the wrong assumptions. You think that I'm some sort of bigoted communist with a deep-seated loathing for all blue-collar workers? Actually, I just thought you were a moron, but now that you mention it blue is a stupid color. Get out of my bank. You don't have to turn bank policy into a crime against society. A crime against society would be, like, a guy cashing checks made out to somebody else so that the FDIC has to pay out money and everybody has to pay more taxes...hey, wait a second...
Now that you're tired of your stupid blue-collar argument, why don't you try to undermine me. God forbid that I know what I am doing. Douchebag took the liberty of telling me that I was "making this up." No, really sir. I can call my boss, and she'll tell you that you're a moron, too. She even has some phoenixes to back it up.
So just go home, and when you go to work tomorrow, ask your boss to write you a personal check. I'm sure you don't need that money right this moment, because anybody with any financial sense would make sure they had money at least one or two days before the power goes out, the bounty hunters get called, or their house gets repossessed. So I'm sure the wait won't kill you. It's not like I'm telling you how to run your tree service. I don't know a thing about trees, and I won't try to. But how about you don't tell me how to run a bank, okay? And if you open your mouth to answer that rhetorical question, then make sure you open it wider so I can stick my fist in it. Or better yet, put your expert knowledge to good use and ram your head into a tree.
