Portable music: so many possibilities. So many morons.
Since the creation of the walkman, we've had the ability to take our music with us wherever we go. It's pretty amazing if you think about it—technology has reached the point where you can take your CDs with you anywhere, or even convert the music to mp3 format and carry it digitally. You can have your own personal music selection wherever you go.
I'd like to emphasize the "personal" in the above sentence. Apparently the one thing that wasn't taken into consideration in the development of these devices was the range on the volume controls.
For those of you who aren't aware, headphones are for one person. True, they may look like miniature speakers, so you might want to treat them like your speakers at home (that is, crank up the volume and put your head right in between them). This is not, in fact, the proper way to use headphones. Seriously, nobody wants to hear Linkin Park blaring out of your $2 headphones. If your volume knob says "MAX" on it, that means that you're an idiot.
The strange thing about these people is that they don't even realize how loud their music is. They're too busy singing along with their music to realize that there are other people within a half mile, and that they can't sing. Remember: having your volume at MAX is just like being an idiot. So stop it. Go ahead, nod your head to the beat of the music and I'll pretend like you heard me.
Luckily, there is one way to silence these morons: batteries. Eventually, their batteries will run out, and they always forget to bring more. They'll come up to you and ask you if you have some batteries, and you can respond by reminding them that you're just a bank teller and you don't bring batteries to work every day. While they ask the next person, go steal the batteries from the one person that does have them, and swallow them before the music person figures out they're there. You'll have a little bit of indigestion and trouble going through metal detectors for a while, but it's definitely worth it.
If it seems like the batteries are taking too long to die, here are some more direct methods to show the person with headphones how much you hate them.
-Put gum in their hair.
-When they least suspect it, which is always because they can't hear a thing and don't suspect anything, smash a fluorescent light bulb into the back of their head.
-When they aren't paying attention (see above), pull off their headphones and yell into their ear as loud as you can. If they're listening to death metal, they might not even notice a difference, but you'll probably have a good laugh over it.
Unfortunately, though, there is one type of portable music whose batteries take forever to die. That's right, it's the grandfather of all portable music systems, the ghetto cruiser. These are just like headphones only 500 times larger, and instead of playing music, they only play bass. The people that own these figure that if they won't be able to hear the music anyway, they should stock up on the type of sound that travels the furthest, so they can annoy as many other people as possible. What's worse, they travel faster than all other portable music devices with the exception of those airplane headphones. They still travel a lot slower than the average car, though, so don't expect the sound to be fading off into the distance too quickly.
Since these are far more sinister than your average pair of headphones, they require a completely different approach. Here are some ways to deal with this, the grand emperor of portable music:
-Give the driver some headphones. If he puts them on, he won't be able to hear traffic at all. His visibility will be so poor from all of his tinted windows that he will hopefully get himself killed.
-Steal his car battery. Smuggling it away by swallowing it is a little bit trickier, but the fact remains—no battery, no music.
-Staple his hands to the steering wheel and then turn the volume down. He won't be able to turn it back up until he gets his hands free.
-Hire a hitman to strangle him to death in his sleep.
Follow this advice, and we can all look forward to a safer, quieter tomorrow. And remember: you should only be bleeding from the ears if you have ebola.
