We're always fighting for the rights of the opressed
I saw a sign on campus recently asking me to join a club, "Colleges Against Cancer." I was outraged. Almost every campus I have been to—in fact, almost every person I have met—has been against cancer. When is somebody going to stand up for the rights of cancer? For all of the diversity that campuses claim to be concerned about, they don't seem too concerned with getting a diverse array of opinions when it comes to cancer.
Because we here at Trainsaw like to stand up for the rights of the oppressed, we would like to make known our undying support for cancer. From now on, anybody that wants to pick on cancer is going to have to go through a tall lanky guy and a diabetic. Oh yeah, and Bruce Campbell.
Some people might be offended by this. This is a natural response when somebody tries to tell you the truth after you've been indoctrinated with fascist propaganda for your entire life. To help you understand why you should support cancer, though, here are a few of the good things cancer does for society:
-Cancer kills old people. Without cancer, there could very well be 10 times as many old people as there are today. They would hunt down and kill babies for sport, and they would outnumber everybody else by so much that the police would be powerless to stop them, lest the masses of old people revolt. One scary fact that few people are aware of is that many people who were once young were twisted to the evil bent of old people. Without cancer to stop them, they would be immortal after making this unfortunate transformation to the dark side.
-Cancer starves old people. People with cancer generally wither off slowly before they die, which means that by the time they die there isn't much left. This saves valuable space in cemetaries or urns.
-Cancer helps drive the economy. Think of all of the poor doctors whose only means of support is by pretending to give treatment to old people that doesn't really do anything since they all die anyway. Without cancer, old people would just lie around getting artificial hips, and just think—do we really need to keep lining the pockets of the big executives in charge of the hip companies?
If you're brave enough to join us and stand up for cancer rights, then here are some simple steps you can do to help.
-Participate in a Walk for Cancer. Trip people.
-Take down all of those plastic breast exam guides that they hang on the shower head. They don't really belong in the men's bathroom anyway.
-If you're lucky enough to get cancer, or know somebody who is, nourish and foster the tumor like a child. After all, in a way, it is like a child. Maybe we could get somebody to pass a law that violent crimes against a cancer patient that result in the death of the tumor should count as crimes against two victims. If the tumor had metastasized, there could practically be a whole colony of them, and a guy could probably get the death penalty just for punching an old guy who probably had it coming anyway.
-Participate in the Atkin's diet. Start smoking. Work in a coal and/or uranium mine. Inject yourself with ethidium bromide.
-Send a large sum of money to me, and I'll support cancer on your behalf.
