The other day I decided to shave—what a mistake. I expected to find some razor blades somewhere in the skin care aisle, and I'd be able to grab a few and take off. Apparently things have changed a bit since the last time I shaved, back in the 80's. That's a story in itself...you see, I was really attached to my "mountain man" halloween costume from 1987, and was refusing to shave so I could stay in character. Since it was a costume from the 80's though, it included short shorts and a boom box, and I realized that maybe by 2006 I was ready for a change.
These days, there's an entire aisle devoted to razor blades. They've got razors with 3 blades, razors with 4 blades, razors with a gel strip and 3 horsepower, razor blades with an underhand grenade launcher and 5 rounds of high-explosive ammunition, and the Star Wars Force FX razor blade that makes light saber sound effects (plus, if you try to slit your wrists with it, it cuts off your whole hand and cauterizes it). Oh, and there's this new one with 5 blades, vibrating action, and an extra single blade on the back for people who regret their purchase. Who would use this? The only vibrating multi-bladed device I've ever held to my face was a rotary fan, and that wasn't a pleasant experience. What made the razor companies think I wanted to repeat that decision?
What's worse is the fact that people are actually buying these. Apparently they feel like they get a "closer shave" with these. I guess the way it works is that the extra blades take off a layer of skin, exposing a deeper part of the hair, which you can then shave again. Eventually, you expose the root of the hair and scrape it off, and once the skin grows back, your face will be completely smooth (you know, like scar tissue). That's assuming, of course, that you don't get any sort of infection in the giant exposed wound that your face has become. Reminder: if someone who sees you after your shave thinks that there's been an outbreak of the zombie virus, you're getting too close of a shave.
Then there are all the shaving products. They have pre-shave facewash, pre-shave lotion, shaving cream, pre-aftershave, aftershave, after-aftershave, and after-pre-aftershave. When did we turn into such sissies? I remember the days when men shaved with a hot iron and liked it. If your face hurt afterwards, you just splashed some bourbon on it. If you need 5 soothing creams and gels to stop you from crying over your face, then perhaps your parents didn't hurt you enough as a child. You know, John Wayne didn't actually shave—he was just sharpening razor blades on his face.
So I guess I'll just quit shaving for the next few years or until all this hype dies down and people start shaving sensibly again. Maybe my inner beast will take over and I'll just turn into the wolfman. That wouldn't be so bad—terrorizing peasants, peeing in the woods, carrying sheep off to my lair to eat and/or briefly romance, not having to wear clothes. Maybe some day, they'll develop the cure to Wolfmanitis—silver-bladed razors (with a soothing strip of holy water). Until then, I'll just be over here terrorizing the local populace.
