It's that time of the year again: the birds are chirping, trees are blooming, but that doesn't stop everyone around me from being an insufferable idiot. The sun is shining, young lovers are pretending that they were faithful to each other over spring break, and I still hate pretty much everyone. The last 3 weeks have seen the return of a few things that Trainsaw has a proud history of hating—most notably March Madness and Student Senate elections. There are a few other things that we've hated in silence until now, though, so let's just take these things one at a time.
Student Senate
To the candidates: stop thinking you're important. Stop it. Not even your mom cares.
To everyone else: why haven't you killed these guys yet? If you ever voted for one of them, why? There are some posters up in my hall for a guy running on the "no fees" platform. I'm sure he'll have no problem sliding that one by the university. Maybe it'll be a rider on the bill to start charging us an "oxygen tax" for breathing in a campus building. The board will start seeing dollar signs and approve it so fast that they don't even notice the hidden "no fees" clause that our valiant hero in the student senate slid in for us.
Student senates are such a hopeless joke. I fear for the political future of the world when people can run under the "Party party" and win because of it. Sure, Janine "Truth & Justice" Davidson might support spending cuts and moderation, but what is her stance on the maximum legal volume of a beer bong on campus? Oh, and as a quick aside: to those of you on that dumb college forum (you know who you are): if your best memory of college is really the time you saw someone do a 2-story beer bong, then your best memory of life will probably be your $0.25 raise at the checkout counter. Oh, and you will probably be killed by me at some point in the future.
March Madness
I was walking down the hall, and saw a guy that had what appeared to be a tournament bracket posted on his door. It had the names of a bunch of colleges on it—apparently, it was his personal prediction at how the NCAA Basketball Tournament (which I guess is a pretty big deal) would turn out. I thought it was such a cool concept for him to make a guess like that. I took a picture of his door and sent it to collegehumor; I hope they post it because it seemed really original and I'd never seen anything like it before. Ever.
Anyway...I was walking around on campus earlier, and heard a couple of guys talking about how they think we'll do, and how they think the tournament will turn out. At that point, I think "March Madness" just took over. Actually, I think "March Beserker Rage" or "March Murderous Blood-frenzy" might be more appropriate terms. But I can sort of see why they call it "Madness." Now it makes a lot more sense.
Mardi Gras
In the Western World's proud history of raping all our own religious holidays, Mardi Gras is one of the nation's biggest party days. I mean, if you're about to spend 40 days being pious and holy, you had better live up that last day of freedom. What better way to introduce a period of holiness than by taking off all your clothes and running drunk through the streets of New Orleans? On a related note, you should see the party that Catholic priests have the night before they get priestified—those guys go freakin nuts.
But seriously, I think a lot of people would be better people in the long run if they just gave up Mardi Gras for Lent.
St. Patrick's Day
In the Western World's proud history of raping all our own religious holidays...yeah. St. Patty's too, which is conveniently placed right in the middle of Lent to give people a good excuse to forget their Lent resolutions. As true religious zealots, we like to remember the day of the saint who drove all the snakes out of Ireland by celebrating in true Irish style—by urinating on someone else's property. It gives me a warm fuzzy just to think about...oh, wait, no, that's just the urine.
