guide for a good succesful band! - by Edward Van Halen (I'm pretty sure)
I was checking out some guitar sites the other day, when I unexpectedly ran across the holy grail. Seriously, check this (mirror) out before reading further. This guy is my new hero, and definitely the greatest musical mind of our time.
Now you, like me, may be hesitant at first. But seriously, follow his simple steps. Step 1 is key: if you don't talk about the kind of music you want to play, disaster could ensue. The first time I tried to start a band, one dude showed up with an accordion and someone else brought a harmonica. I brought a triple-necked flying-V guitar and a bag of Doritoes (which conveniently double as guitar picks) and was clearly prepared to rock out much harder core than either of them. I think they died.
Step 2 is also very important. After all, every famous musician got to be famous by stealing music from another famous musician. Except probably for the first famous musician ever, I guess. Actually, nevermind, that's wrong. It's only rappers that steal music from other people. Oh, and they're not really musicians.
I was a little hesitant about making the transition to step 3, but I found that this guy really knew what he was talking about. Moving from poor attempts to cover crappy bands right on to writing your own music was a piece of cake. Talent and innovation were completely optional, and since we were so used to playing other people's music, we had no problem making our music sound just like everyone else's.
If you made it this far, you're in luck. Step 4 is awesome. When I read step 4, I almost crapped my pants. I didn't realize it until he told me, but now I have a successful band. Apparently, now I'm ready to start going on stage. It's good that I'm successful long before having recorded anything or ever gone on stage, because I know that if the masses don't like me, it's entirely their fault.
His other suggestions really hit home. His suggestion to record some of our music was a great idea that I hadn't even thought of before. Also, his advice not to get in fights or completely disband are the keys to success—I know from experience. There's another one that didn't make the list, but which I picked up on my own and feel obliged to share with everyone else: never let a girl in your band, because someone will inevitably start sleeping with her. And you'll think that someone is you. And so will everyone else.
There's one last step for those of you strong enough to take it. That's to get throngs of shrieking girls to throw their underwear at you and follow you around wherever you go. This is the easiest step of all, though, and since you've been successful from step 4, you shouldn't have any problems with this.
All in all, I'm glad someone as famous, talented, and experienced as he was kind enough to share these tips for success with the better spellers of the world.
