Don't worry about spoilers because this probably doesn't have anything to do with the real Star Wars movie
Well, Star Wars Episode III was released recently, and already the dorks are getting way out of hand. Mothers Against the Dark Side just marched on Washington. People are dressing up as Darth Douchebag left and right...for those of you that don't know, Darth Douchebag was the slower, fatter, awkwarder sith lord. He was in the books, but he didn't make the cut for the movies because his powers mostly consist of being able to live in his parents' basement without having to pay rent. That's not nearly as flashy as some of the other characters.
As I usually like to do with movies like this, I rented out an entire theater for me and my friends. Then I had them play the entire movie at top speed, backwards. The music isn't as cool that way, but the dialogue is way better. Most of the people just sound like demonic chipmunks, which is an improvement, but Yoda actually makes a lot more sense in reverse. As another plus, you get a whole lot of cool action sequences at the very beginning, and you can sleep through the boring ending part. You usually can't help but wake up for the very end, though, when a bunch of words come screaming at you from space at top speed and generally freak the living crap out of you.
Anyway, while I was watching it, I realized that these prequels were absolute crap and that I should have written them instead. Episode I would open with a touching montage of young Anakin and Amidala, and would quickly be followed by a shot of each of them getting devoured by some cool space rhino. Now that the world's worst characters are out of the way, we have more time to devote to cool people.
So we cut to Obi-Wan cruising the galaxy on his Harley Spacebike, wearing a black leather jacket that says "Hoth's Angels" on the back. He pulls over on some shithole of a planet and slices up the first animal he sees with his light saber. Then he skewers it on his light saber to make an awesome ka-bob. He cracks open an ice-cold Pepsi, which is freakin' enormous and marked "for product placement purposes only". Then he finishes off with some marshmallows, and then he has this dream sequence where we find out what he's really doing. He's hunting down Darth Maul because Darth Maul's his enemy and they don't really need much more of a justification.
Luckily, Darth Maul is only two miles away, which means the cool action sequences can start any minute. Darth Maul tries to ambush Obi in his sleep, but Obi's not having any of that. He feels a disturbance in the force or some crap like that, and wakes up in time to have an awesome fight with Darth Maul. In the middle he stops and says "Hey wait, why are we fighting? We're quite possibly the two coolest guys ever." Darth Maul is like "Hey yeah, you're right, let's go do something cool" and joins Obi-Wan on his quest to make the galaxy a cooler place. They have a bunch of cool chummy conversations on their space Harleys, but one day Obi-Wan is like "So Mr. Maul...you're not really a sith lord any more, shouldn't you drop the Darth?" And Darth Maul is like "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my name's Randy." So Randy and Obi-Wan totally slice the crap out of this one planet and give each other high fives. But to the sound of sinister music and bad directing, the scene slowly fades out...
Now we see two figures in black robes chopping down a rainforest with red light sabers. A koala runs out trying to escape the destruction, but one of the guys reaches out and suddenly the poor thing's dangling in mid-air, choking to death. He laughs mercilessly as the camera pans over to a trash can lid sitting on the ground in what could only be described as "foreshadowing."
Back to Obi and Randy. Apparently, they've heard about the destruction of planet Rainforest. This is terrible, because this planet exports oxygen to half of the galaxy, and its economy is sure to be ruined. "Speaking of economies", says Randy, "I could sure use another Pepsi!" He does so.
So by the time the dynamic duo makes it to Rainforestia, there's only one tree left. They walk up to it to inspect it, and make sure it's still okay, although they suspect a trap. A robed figure slowly steps out from behind the tree. "Holy estranged saber-lacquer, Obi-Wan!" cries Randy. "It's Darth Sheen!" Although this would be a great place to put a few minutes of worthless dialogue, we decide to skip it and instead start a killer lightsaber duel. Darth Sheen miraculously holds both of them off for a while, but eventually they back him into a corner, cut off his arms, and stomp on them for a while just to be really sure. They question him while he's laying there, and find out that he's working for Darth Vila, who's planning to make millions of fine cabinets from all the trees they've stolen.
So Randy and Obi-Wan track down Darth Vila's secret solid-oak orbital spacestation. Right inside the entrance, they meet up with Darth Estevez, and after a few minutes of totally awesome fighting they chop him up into small pieces or something like that. They make their way to the command center and find yet another black-robed figure who is probably hiding a red light saber somewhere on his person. "Darth Vila, your reign of terror stops here!" shouts Obi-Wan.
"But I'm not Darth Vila..." says a voice with just a hint of badass in it. He turns around and pulls back his hood. "Holy crap!" Randy says. "That's Martin Sheen!"
Martin Sheen, also known as Darth Dad, just switches on his light saber. He's pretty pissed about the death of his Darth Sons, and he's ready to take on whatever Hoth's Angels have to throw at him. He holds his own against them for a while, but then they trick him into retreating too far so that they can hit the self-destruct button. "Dammit!" says Darth Dad. "I knew we should have never put that in." A really cheesy countdown starts, and Randy and Obi manage to corner Darth Dad so that he can't reach the cancel button. At the last second, they use their force powers to fly out of there, leaving Darth Dad with no choice but to explode. As the station explodes, we see Randy and Obi-Wan on their Harleys, flying straight into the camera.
In the next movies, we discover that Darth Vila has reconstructed the station, and also added 3 coats of varnish. Eventually, though, he'll be forced to pay in a final showdown that could only be captured by a Van Halen solo so wicked that we'd have to start calling him Darth Van Halen from then on. Which should give you an idea of what I have planned for Episode III...
