Student Senate reminds me of one thing: why I hate Student Senate
Lately, there has been a lot of stupid propaganda going around trying to get me to vote for the Student Senate. This idiot was standing in the middle of the sidewalk handing out flyers about why you should vote for him. I really wish that instead, there had been a guy about a block earlier handing out flyers that said "Go a different way, they are handing out stupid flyers down here a little ways." That way, I would actually be getting a flyer that served a purpose, if only to avoid getting one that doesn't.
If I were going to vote for Student Senate, it would be a vote to add Student Senate to the list of useless organizations that exist only so people can pad their résumés. It'd be right below National Honors Society, Who's Who Among American High School Students, and the Continental Congress. I really doubt our country was founded by people who actually cared about things like "freedom." As Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, the only thing he was really thinking about was the line he would put in his résumé afterwards:
Helped to free struggling nation from tyrannical injuftife (1776)
Another way to get me to vote for the Student Senate would be if the very first question on the ballot were "Do you hate everyone on this list?" I would check "yes" and then vote a straight ticket for the Imaginary party, helping some imaginary children that probably live in a parallel universe to put something imaginary on their résumés. On a related note, I wonder if imaginary children get confused when they take the square roots of positive numbers.
If it were up to me, which it should be, the Student Senate positions would be decided by fights to the death. I might just start a petition for that. This would make several badly needed changes:
-The senators would have something on their résumés that's actually braggable. For example, "Killed 3 stupid scrubs in hand-to-hand combat" or "Drank wine from the skulls of vanquished foes."
-The senate would actually serve a purpose. Naturally, somebody has to referee the fights, and choose which weapons to allow. The senate can decide. The senate might change the rules so that a defending senator is allowed a hatchet while his opposition only gets a wet towel. Maybe they could just do a bout to 5 good hits, and the loser gets thrown to the alligator pit. Speaking of which, the Alligator Club just got taken off my list of useless organizations that exist only so people can pad their résumés.
-Stupid people attempting to pad their résumés would die.
The other day I was getting my food and heading over to sit with my friends. Some guy was sucking up to them and trying to tell them why they should vote for him. I asked him if he was pro-life or pro-choice, and while he thought about what answer I wanted to hear, I karate chopped him in the neck so hard that his entire spine was ripped from his body and slapped against the window. Then I reminded my friends that the Student Senate can't affect anything, much less something that people actually care about. If Student Senate starts promising to ban taxes on university property, you can bet that they're wasting your time and that their budget would be better spent giving meth to giant sea tortoises and making them fight to the death for public amusal. Then again, you could say that for just about anything. If only somebody ran for senate on that platform.
