Tattoos: a gentle reminder that life does have consequences
I have an idea that I've been mulling over in my mind for a while now: why don't we force people to get the name of the person they're dating tattooed on their forehead? The more you think about it, the better it sounds. First of all, it makes it really easy to tell if somebody is single or not. This can save you from lots of awkward moments and a few good hours of flirting in vain.
That's just the beginning of the advantages, though. First of all, it stops people from having a stupid one-week fling because they were desperate or lonely (read: stupid) or whatever other excuses they make. Plus, it stops those dumb relationships where people break up and get back together a week later, rinse, and repeat. If it costs a few hundred bucks in medical bills to break up with somebody, and then another handful of cash to get back together, you'll think twice before you go off and do something stupid that gets them pissed at you. The other option is to have their name inscribed on your brain, and if you break up you have to have a lobotomy. That gives you a few less chances to be a huge moron, which, as far as I'm concerned, is a good thing.
That's the other chief benefit: it encourages fidelity. That's something that's pretty rare these days, mostly because you're all morons. On top of that, though, you can tell if somebody is really boring to date just by looking at their forehead—the more scars they have, the less likely you are to enjoy yourself.
The other problem with dating is trying to find somebody that doesn't spontaneously turn into a loudmouthed drunken whore on the weekends, and I'm not just talking about organ grinders. Maybe that's just because I'm in college, though. Anyway, to save me the trouble of trying to find somebody that isn't a moron, I think people should also get tattoos listing all of the substances they abuse. In fact, to make things even simpler, we can rename every substance to something easier. For example, just use a cool symbol. Like, say, a red dot inside a series of red and white circles. That would make some other things easier for me, too.
To top it all off, people then need to get a tattoo enumerating all of the tattoos that they have for easy reference. This not only encompasses the mandatory relational and substantial tattoos, but other tattoos that they may have. That way, you can quickly tell just from a glance how stupid somebody is because tattoos are the worst idea ever. None of these tattoos constitute a good thing, especially not the ones that you got voluntarily. People always give some stupid line like "It's my body, I can do what I want with it." That may be true, but the rest of us have to look at you. When that happens, just remember, it's my body and I can gouge my eyes out if I want to. It's still your fault, though.
Finally, everybody needs to be forced to have a tattoo of Bruce Campbell. That way, if I ever start to forget that Bruce is the coolest person ever, there are all of those tattoos out there to remind me. Plus, it's the only thing that would ever make me want to look at all of you worthless morons.
