The other day I was watching the news, or looking at the paper, or probably something like that. That's all a complete lie, but I'm trying to come up with an introduction to this rant, because this intro paragraph would be a lot shorter without these first two sentences. So I saw a bunch of pictures of some of the terrorists they caught or are looking for. I don't know which one it was, because I can't read. I just like to flip through the pages and look at the pictures. By the way, Ziggy sucks.
Anyway, I noticed one trend among all of the terrorists: ugliness. There don't seem to be any good-looking terrorists at all. There's probably a reason for this...my guess is that if good-looking people want to terrorize society, they can just work at the GAP. Since terrorists are always ugly, I think that clearly the best step we could take in the war on terror is to order mandatory mass killings of ugly people. True, terrorists are only a small subset of ugly people, but all of the terrorists are encompassed therein. Therefore, if we euthanize all ugly people, BAM! Terrorism is gone forever. Incidentally, we'll also get rid of a number of social problems, such as fat people, overpopulation, and parents. There might be some other minor side-effects such as the complete collapse of the software industry, construction, infrastructure technology, farming, and boy bands. I'm pretty sure that the online dating and pornography industries would still be going strong, though (even in Hugh Hefner's recent absence), and that should be able to pull the global economy through its tough period.
Like most brilliant plans this one seems to have a small drawback, that being that the U.S. doesn't have the jurisdiction to euthanize people everywhere. Technically they also don't have the right to unquestioningly slaughter millions of American citizens, but I know of a few people who could sort that problem out. To solve this problem, I advise that we immediately invade Russia and take control of all of their nukes. Between theirs and ours, we should be able to turn all of the world not already controlled by us into one big cockroach garden. Our generation needs a good war, anyway—by the way, the Cold War really sucked, and it would be a lot more fun if the next generation could read all about the Really Really Hot War. I'm not sure what paper they would read it on, though, since most of the world's trees will probably be radioactive for the next 6 billion years.
Some people, probably including the soon-to-be-doomed ACLU would probably protest this as an infringement upon some sort of imagined personal rights. They like to kick around the first amendment a lot, so they'd probably claim that killing somebody denies them freedom of expression. Sorry, that doesn't cut it. Maybe somebody else will protest that we're infringing on their rights to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". Too bad for them that those words are in the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution. I don't see an amendment giving people the right to live. There's the cruel and unusual punishment one, yeah, but I think that being nuked such that you vaporize instantly in a flash of light is one of the gentler ways you could go. And you have to admit, it's not really all that unusual either. Besides, we're at war here—in times of war, we have to give up some personal rights in order to receive the protection of the government. As soon as the war is won and all ugly people have been wiped from the face of the Earth, the government will restore those rights, and we'll have nothing to worry about.
Initiating this plan will really take a lot of work and some major guts. There might be some selfish congressmen trying to shoot it down out of personal interests, but try to keep the best interests of our country in mind: remember to vote for somebody good-looking in the next election.
