I heard a kid in the store today while I was buying groceries (the usual: cyanide pills and a high-power slingshot). He was saying "Mommy, look! Extreme barbecue sauce! It's EXTREEEEEEEEME! We have to get it! Can we get it, mommy?" I wanted to walk up to the kid and give him the dojo treatment but something stopped me. That something was a security guard. I hate security guards.
Anyway, I realized at that moment that extreme marketing, in addition to being annoying and pointless, actually works. The only drawback is that it only works on moron bratty kids, and they don't have any money anyway. Like a typical marketing person, though, I'm going to ignore all the facts and come out with my own line of "x-treme" product.
Toilet paper. That's right, x-treme toilet paper. Flowers are for pansies—this stuff is triple-quilted with skateboards and super-absorbent halfpipes. It comes in neon colors that look awesome under a black light. And you can get a black light free* by saving TPoints from the package.
XTP is guaranteed to take your crapping to the next level. If your toilet paper doesn't leave skid marks, then maybe it's time to move on to something a little more hardcore. You'll find it in the sporting goods department. Batteries not included.
Warning: using XTP may make you WICKED COOL!
Medical note: the surgeon general does not recommend defecating while skateboarding, parasailing, surfing, or bungee jumping. Defecating at extremely high velocities may result in unwanted medical side-effects including but not limited to: hemorrhoids, bloody stool, getting turned inside out, and spontaneous human combustion. If you take hallucinogens, have epilepsy or are prone to seizures, you should not use XTP. If you ride a skateboard and do not smoke marijuana, please consult your dealer.
Disclaimer: Trainsaw is not responsible for any slipping or tripping that may occur from getting XTP stuck to your shoe.
* After $39.95 shipping and handling and $4 dumb retard penalty
