Learn something from the goths: white is for sissies.
Quick quiz: what happens if you mix Crest Super Whitening Action Toothpaste, teeth-whitening bleach trays, laser whitening surgery, and Clorox bleach?
a. Your whites are whiter, your colors are brighter, and your teeth are perfect
b. A chemical reaction releases chlorine gas into your home, killing every mammal in a 3 block radius
c. All of the whitening powers reinforce each other, causing a supernova
d. You're still ugly and nobody cares
e. Your teeth reflect the blaze of the sun with such intensity that it hurts to close your mouth and you're forced to walk around with a goofy grin like that guy from the Enzyte commercials
Enough with the whitening already. Only vampires have white teeth, and where do you find them? In coffins.
Seriously...I'm sick of all of these products to make your teeth whiter, or in the case of Clorox (and Clorox 2, and Clorox III: Revenge of the Stains) your clothes. I just need to lay out a few things for all of you: bright colors suck. Seriously—think of all of the brightly colored things in life: the teletubbies, grapefruit. That's all I can come up with right now, but really, isn't that enough to categorically ban brightness?
Teeth aren't supposed to be white anyway, and if you want them to appear whiter, don't use whitening products. The trick is contrast: you have to paint your face black.
If you really insist on having white teeth, though, you have a few options. One is to eat a few KKK members. The other good one is to bleach your socks with Clorox, cut strips out of them, and fasten these to your teeth. From a distance, it will look like your teeth are perfectly white. When people get up close, you can just spit in their eyes and the residual chlorine from the bleach will burn their eyes out, and they'll never suspect anything.
As usual, though, nobody will take my advice. Idiots. If God had meant for you to have white teeth, he wouldn't have made you so gullible.
