trainsaw.com

Last Update: 01.10.05

PETA makes me puke. So does tofu.

A while back, there were signs up around campus for a "Peace Vigil" for me to go to. What the heck is a peace vigil? You stand around looking for peace to break out? Or a bunch of people just hanging around on campus and saying "Phew—no war here. Good thing we're keeping an eye out, though." Idiots. But this article isn't about them, it's about PETA and how they're hypocrites.

PETA, for those of you that haven't been exposed to their sickening strain of humanity, is "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." A good parent spanks his kids, but PETA doesn't seem to think that a good master should kick his dogs. Or eat them. Or even own them. They think we need to peacefully coexist naturally with all of the beautiful creatures of nature. I think everyone in PETA needs to be shipped to Africa so they can take their natural role in the environment peacefully wearing clothes sewn from fig leaves and being peacefully devoured by tigers.

People in PETA always like to use "all-natural" products. Know what's all-natural? The canine teeth in my mouth. They're designed for eating meat. Pricks.

But anyway, today I'm here to expose PETA's hypocrisy. PETA always whines about animal suffrage (I think) and tries to get meat-eating, fishing, and happiness banned—but not for all animals. No, PETA only cares about two categories of animal: the cute ones, and the ones that taste good. That means there's at least one of God's beautiful creatures that has been left out: the Guinea worm.

Nobody cares about parasite rights. You know, these are those worms that people in Africa get that have to be removed by winding them around a stick over a period of weeks. PETA always makes the fishing analogy, "How would you like it if somebody stuck a hook in your mouth and dragged you around for a while, causing a buildup of lactic acid in your body?" (Correct response: I don't eat food with hooks in it, and I have opposable thumbs so I can pull the hook out myself, thank you very much.) Why does PETA never complain, "How would you like it if somebody lured you out of your room with the scent of pizza, slammed the door on your head, and then pulled you out of the closed door over a period of weeks?" Because tapeworms don't taste good.

PETA doesn't care about tapeworms—and do you know who else didn't care about tapeworms? Joseph Stalin. He destroyed millions of acres of the tapeworm's natural habitat. PETA is just like Stalin. Let's face it: PETA just likes making you unhappy. They don't care about animals, they just care about finding ways to make everyone miserable, because when they're miserable they feel like they're making a difference. So go ahead you sissies, tie yourselves to deer to protect them. I've got a permit to shoot Bambi, and you're not wearing orange so I can chalk this "tragedy" up to an accident. Wuss.