trainsaw.com

Last Update: 10.30.03

Self esteem for less than the cost of two large pizzas

Do you ever feel small and inadequate next to those big guys in P.E. that have armpit hair and have to shave weekly? I know that it's hard being shorter and smaller than everybody else, but you don't have to let that keep you down. There's a way for you to remind everybody else that on the inside, you're just as big and strong as they are: wear a wrestling t-shirt.

Remember that time that the bully picked you up, palmed you like a basketball, and threw you into the dumpster? If so, you're probably a movie star or comic book character, because things like that never happen in real life. But just think how easily you could have avoided that tragic situation if you had just been wearing a shirt that asks "Who's Next?" or had taken a moment to stop the bully and asked him if he smelled what the Rock was cooking. Better yet, just call upon the vastness of your inner strength and powerbomb him. While he's down, you could put him in the Scorpion Deathlock and he'd definitely tap out. Those big guys will think twice before they break a 60-pound guy in half again.

Sure, there are all sorts of martial arts that are designed to teach you self-defense while boosting your self-esteem, but think how much money you have to pay for those lessons. For just $15, you can get the t-shirt and the bonus audacity free of charge. Your self-esteem will shoot through the roof because when your shirt has a picture of a guy that isn't afraid to wear a speedo in public on it, then you obviously have huge balls by proxy. You could probably club a squirrel to death with them, if your tiny frame could reach the low-hanging branches they hang out on. Then again, maybe the reason you're so short is that they've been weighing you down this whole time.

If you're still getting picked on (for some reason) then your only choice is to become famous. Nobody will laugh at you if they see you on prime time television with your very own fog machines and theme song (yes, the fog is generated by machines. As far as I know, however, that's the only fake part). You'd better start practicing now. Try making a homemade video of you and some friends wrestling, and mailing it to the applicable wrestling bureaus. For extra crowd appeal, have one of your friends throw you through a collapsible table. If you don't have a collapsible table handy, just use a regular table, but remember: you have to have him throw you through it REALLY HARD. In no time you'll have a spandex suit, a cool mask, and a name like "The Delivery Boy." Now the only people beating you up are the ones that get paid to do it, but at least you're getting some money out of it, too. If you make it big, you could earn something like $3000 per fight. And just think: that's 200 t-shirts.