If you pay attention to our site at all, you know that Zombies have been on our to-do list for quite some time now. However, if you pay that much attention to us then you probably have some other more immediate problems. However, this rant is here to tell you about what is probably a less immediate problem: zombies. We've been wanting to write about zombies for quite some time now, but Dawn of the Dead reminded us that zombies are indeed awesome and that they deserve the proper respect.
For some reason, most people have an irrational fear of zombies. They treat zombies the way they treat blind people or people with mental handicaps: shunning them, for fear that they'll catch their "disease." This is actually kind of true with zombies, though, so I guess the fear isn't all that irrational. Hopefully I haven't confused you so much that you start attacking blind people with shotguns though, because they probably wouldn't even suspect it.
Anyway, the irrational part of zombie fear is that they are somehow worse than the people that surround you on a daily basis. This is not true at all. Think about how widespread stupid people are. Then think about how much easier life would be if they were all zombies instead. If you're not convinced, here's a list of all of the reasons that zombies are far more bearable than stupid people.
-Stupid people say stupid things that don't make sense.
-Zombies just growl and murmur so you don't have to worry about whether they said anything.
-Stupid people might pretend to agree with you, or pretend to like you if they think it will score them points with a nebulous group of beings known as "the ladies."
-Zombies are always against you, and always trying to kill you. No guesswork involved.
-If zombies are troubling you, you can kill them with a shotgun. Nobody ever asks questions, because they're zombies.
-If you kill stupid people with a shotgun, everybody wants to know what your problem is. As if you're the one with the problem.
-Stupid people drool.
-Zombies bleed. Blood is cooler.
-Stupid people strike up pointless conversations with you even though you have ignored them the last 8 times they've tried to speak with you.
-Zombies eat human flesh.
-Stupid people must breathe, wasting valuable oxygen.
-Zombies are undead, and have no need to breathe, metabolise sugars, or otherwise waste resources. In fact, you could harness the energy of zombies to create a cheap and infinitely renewable energy source that would never be depleted.
-Stupid people buy SUVs and fill them with subwoofers, creating air and noise pollution and sucking the life out of all things good, churning them endlessly into a soulless void.
-Zombies kill things and eat them, restoring valuable nutrients back into the soil.
-Stupid people suck away at your soul.
-Zombies just want to eat your brain.
-Stupid people can reproduce.
-Zombies, as far as I know, just die.
-Stupid people can vote, trade stock, and pick their own e-mail addresses, making them responsible for every major problem in the world today.
-Zombies cannot do any of these things, and are only responsible for "Deaths due to zombies," which is currently only a minor concern.
If you're not yet convinced that all stupid people would be better off dead (or undead) then try looking here. If that doesn't convince you, then dress up as a zombie and go strike up a conversation with the guy with a chainsaw for an arm. Trust me, that will fix a lot of problems.
