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Last Update: 08.14.03

Big Trouble in Little China

Every once in a while, there is a movie that shapes your entire generation. This movie isn't it, because nobody has seen it. But this movie should be it. The movie that was it was probably something crappy like Titanic that everybody saw. It changed everybody's whole outlook on life, because they walked around saying "I didn't know you were allowed to have breasts in a PG-13 movie." This movie, however, should have been the generation-shaper. We got robbed.

This movie is absolutely amazing. I wish I had been in it. If I had, I probably would have been some old Chinese guy selling chickens by the side of the road, and when Jack Burton ran past I would ask him for his autograph, and he would stab me with his knife because you're not supposed to ask him for his autograph in the middle of a scene like that. But I could go show everybody the scar from the knife and they'd think it was pretty cool. His knife is awesome, because it's symbolic of the way he kicks people all the time.

Kim Catrall is in this movie, too. Some of you might know her from "Sex in the City," but I know her from Sex in the City of CHINATOWN! Except instead of sex, it's weird occultist levitation and old guys in wheelchairs. But hey, that's almost as good as sex. Oh, hang on a second, I gotta go check my laundry.

Ok, I'm back, and so is this movie—back on DVD! You could go get it right now. The DVD is loaded with special features. For example, it has the greatest movie ever, "Big Trouble in Little China" on it. That alone is enough to make you want to buy the DVD. There's another special feature on there called "The place that the makers of Mortal Kombat stole the idea for Raiden from." You have to look pretty hard for it, since it's hidden right in the middle of a gigantic fight scene, but I'll give you a hint: he's the guy that looks exactly like Raiden, shoots lightning, has glowing white eyes, and is wearing a T-shirt saying "Rip me off, wouldn't I make an awesome video game character?" I want that T-shirt.

I bet Jack wants that T-shirt too, because he doesn't seem to have very many shirts. (Man, I'm on fire with these segues today) All he can afford is a humble 18-wheeler, the HMS Pork Chop Express, a CB radio, a knife, and some killer reflexes. For Jack and truck drivers everywhere, I give this movie 4 out of 4 shirtless tuff guys with knives.