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Last Update: 12.05.03

Bob Dylan

After suffering through my English class, the last thing I want when I come back to my dorm room is to be forced to listen to terrible music. The real problem with that is that I have a roommate. Since my roommate isn't Trainsaw staff, you can rely on the fact that he is a complete moron. Some morons get lucky and happen to have good taste in music. This one doesn't. Anyway, to clear things up, I should probably let you know what I mean when I say terrible music. Although this is by no means comprehensive, you can use as a working definition "Bob Dylan."

Bob Dylan has got to be the worst "musician" I have ever heard. He sounds like my dead grandpa trying to sing along to a song that he doesn't know the lyrics to while three cats try to climb out his nose. Some people say he's a lyrical genius, but those are the same people that listen to his horrible music, so pretty much everything they say can be safely assumed to be wrong. I mean, I've heard free verse poetry that makes more sense than this guy's lyrics, and if you've ever heard free verse poetry then you know how tough that can be. Here is a short lyric sample: "Well Mack the Finger said to Louie the King/I got forty red white and blue shoe strings/And a thousand telephones that don't ring/Do you know where I can get rid of these things/And Louie the King said let me think for a minute son/And he said yes I think it can be easily done/Just take everything down to Highway 61." When I heard those lyrics, I was stunned completely numb of all feeling, and overcome by a strange lack of consciousness that can only be described as "sleep." The only thing I could think is that I wanted to shake Bob Dylan's hand. And when I shook his hand, I would use one of those hand buzzer shocker things, and while he's stunned I would set him on fire.

This idiot has everything wrong. Maybe instead of being "Tangled up in Blue" he should get tangled up in some power lines. Next time I hear somebody load Dylan music into their playlist full of stolen music I'm going to take their mouse cord and strangle them with it. They would probably be pretty tangled up in that.

Besides the facts that I hate him and that he is the worst musician, singer, and lyricist ever, there are some other things that Bob Dylan hasn't caught onto. This isn't too surprising, because if you read his lyrics you'll see that it's probably pretty hard for him to catch onto anything, since he obviously doesn't have any functioning nerve cells above the brain stem. What he needs to figure out now, though, is that harmonicas are the worst instrument ever created, only slightly below accordians and bagpipes. I've heard people strum anteaters that make a better sound than harmonicas. Since he's missing all of his upper and midbrain, you can see how he might latch onto harmonicas because they're shiny. However, it's obvious that you should be really careful about the things that you let him have, especially if they are shiny. After all, he might go around trying to put them in his mouth, which is exactly what he did with the harmonica. If anybody ever gives him shiny objects ever again it had better be a sack full of razor blades or a cup of mercury.

I wouldn't be so mad at this guy if he would just stop making music, and then go back in time and kill himself before he made any music at all, and before he had a son whose music is even worse than Kelly Osbourne's. Barring that (for the obvious reasons, lack of a time machine) he should just kill himself. That would definitely shoot him to the top of the list of the top ten people I would kill if they weren't already dead. Just above Gandhi.