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Last Update: 12.20.03

The Chessmaster

I don't know about you, but I don't know why they call this stupid computer game "Chessmaster." I needed a way to hone my incredible chess-playing skills, and this seemed like a natural place to start. After installing it, I started a game.

After baiting and killing my opponent's queen in a brilliant trap that almost anybody under 10 would have fallen for, I decided that maybe I should play with the difficulty settings a little bit. I checked the setting, and it was on the setting at the top, "Beginner." I scrolled through the list of difficulties, past Chessmaster, Grand master, Knightkiller, and a few dozen other ones to the bottom of the list, where the smart AIs were sure to reside. I was pumped up and ready for a real challenge, so I went to the very bottom of the list, an AI cleverly disguised as "Way way easier than beginner."

Needless to say, I thrashed this dude too, and it seemed like I beat it even faster than the first one. I was pretty pissed that not even the best AI was any good. The next game I gave myself a pretty big handicap. I spent my first 3 turns getting my queen to kill the bishop, knight, and rook on her side, and then tried to beat the computer using only my pawns. This got old after a few tries, so I gave the game an all-expense paid trip to my computer's recycling center, then gave the CD an all-expense paid trip to my town's recycling center. Then I stomped on it. If they can't write a decent AI how do they expect me to get better?

Maybe since that level of complexity seems to be a little beyond them, the stupid computer programmers should try something a little more basic. They could start out with Checkersmaster, and maybe move up to ChutesNLaddersmaster. I bet they could write a pretty wicked dice rolling simulator.

So a few weeks after this disappointing incident, I saw another game: Chessmaster 3000. I immediately knew that this was the game for me, and didn't even take the time to read the back of the box (mistake). It would be spruced up with cooler rules and new continents to conquer. Pawns would have laser guns that allow them to kill any piece within 3 hexes that doesn't have Omega Staticshield Armor or the Genesis Stone. The king and queen would be replaced with something cooler dependent upon your race. For example, the Omnicrons would get a hive queen and 3 Robot Synthesis Plasma Drones. The Space Vikings would have the Longboat 3000 and Cosmic Axethrowers. The Nylonians obviously have a deadly self-destruct nuke on the Brood Lord's ship, which forces them to forfeit but can be a great tactical move when you're playing in 8-player real-time multiplayer mode. Better get some allies!

So I install the game, and...well, maybe this series of screen shots will explain things.

Here you see a typical chessboard. 2 players, squares instead of hexagons, and no laser guns. Note that the available difficulties do not include "Psion Blaster" or "Beta Carotene."

Here you see my recycle bin with something in it:

Here's my recycle bin, now empty:

Here's my recycle bin again. It's still empty, but now there's also a broken CD on my floor that you can't see:

Gentleman's game of strategy and intellect? Subtle challenge with militaristic overtones? Yeah right, give me some freaking lasers.