trainsaw.com

Last Update: 03.25.05

I hope we're having marbles for dinner again!

When I was a kid, my mom would buy me all sorts of board games and puzzles and other forms of entertainment that were supposed to enrich my mind or something. Obviously it worked, because I can shoot bolts of pure mental energy at kids and really freak the crap out of them. Actually, I think the real reason my mom always got those was because she wanted me to find a form of entertainment other than smashing every vase I could find (with bolts of pure psionic energy and/or basketballs, of course). Or maybe she was just scared of me and figured that by keeping me distracted, she could delay my ultimate takeover of the world.

Sometimes, though, Uno, Dominoes, Sorry!, and Scrabble just weren't enough. When my awesome 9-year-old friends came over to party hardcore, we needed something stronger than the quick buzz you got from G.I. Joes or Ninja Turtles. And when we needed it, we knew just where to turn: Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I'd tell my friends to wait for me to go get an awesome game. Then I'd run to the game room, throw Guess Who across the room because it's a stupid game, and pull out the box for Hungry Hungry Hippos, taking care not to let any of the other games fail to fall to the floor and get trampled. When my friends saw me carrying the Triple-H box, they'd get so pumped up that they'd run around the table 6 or 7 times at top speed, then do a jumpkick off the hall closet and headbutt the bathroom sink just to teach it a lesson. Then they'd fall to the ground and twitch for a little while. When we were all conscious and cauterized, though, it was time for the game to begin.

Hungry Hungry Hippos revolutionized the world of gaming. Today's worst video games are heavily influenced by the "button mashing" gameplay/storyline hybrid pioneered by HHH. If the modern ratings system were around in the HHH days, the graphic scenes of marbles devoured by hippos would have definitely earned a "Mature" rating. And the government gave Hungry Hungry Hippos the lowest safety rating of any game except lawn darts. I'm pretty sure there's a warning on the back of the box that says "Warning: marbles may become induced to high velocities which could result in a violent hemorrhaging death." But who would read the back of the box when they could just open it up and get started playing Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Hungry Hungry Hippos was both groundbreaking and furniturebreaking. The storyline is kind of lacking, but then again, I'm pretty sure stories went out of fashion after graphics were invented. The action in HHH more than makes up for the poor graphics and over-redundant plastic-on-plastic sound effects. The game has a timeless replayability to it...it just seems new every time you play it, just like Counter-Strike or something.

Whoever invented this game deserve a purple heart. The purple stands for dedication, and the heart stands for the human organ that pumps blood, including all the blood spurting from the giant marble-gash in your forehead. They probably won't ever get that well-deserved medal because of the stupid politics of it all, so to make up for it, we'll give it some awards of our own: 4 out of 4 Game of the Year awards.