trainsaw.com

Last Update: 07.31.04

You, Robot

Have you ever seen a movie based on a book, but then ended up disliking the book because the movie ruined the ending for you? Well that definitely won't happen with I, Robot. The book doesn't seem to have much to do with the movie at all—it doesn't even have Will Smith.

Here's my theory on how this tragedy came about: the screenplay was originally titled "Some Movie with Robots In It." Although I think that's an awesome title, the marketing people looked at it and spurned it spurnfully in the way that only marketing people can. In searching for a new, catchier title, they obviously skipped over the natural choices "Lasers and Explosions", "Killer Robots from Earth", and "Will Smith Kills Stuff." Somewhere along the way, some idiot realized that a lot of movies based off of good fantasy books have been doing well lately—Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, etc. They figured that since all nerds are the same, all the same fans would flock to the movie like you know what. And man, it looks like the futuristic science-fiction movies-based-on-books market is wide open. The marketing people started seeing dead presidents dancing before their eyes, mostly because they were smoking crack.

So the idiots go to the library to look up the names of some science fiction authors. They start with the A's. Tragedy strikes. They seize upon the title "I, Robot" and were so stoned that they all voted for it before any of them even had time to think "What the hell is I Robot supposed to mean?" To their credit, a few of them probably just thought it was a Roman numeral, and the rest were probably just really hungry and voted for the first thing they found. So then they all went to McDonald's.

In defense and honor of Isaac Asimov's now-mangled memory, I would like to propose the new 3 laws of robotics.

1. A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm UNLESS THEY ARE MARKETING PEOPLE OR IN ANY WAY ASSOCIATED WITH THE MOVIE I, ROBOT

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law OR WHEN ASKED TO DO VISUAL EDITING FOR THE MOVIE I, ROBOT

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law OR WHEN GOADED INTO A PSYCHOPATHIC RAGE BY THE HORROR OF THE MOVIE I, ROBOT THAT RESULTS IN SLICING OPEN THE CREATORS WITH LASERS AND KNIVES

And of course, the all-important Zeroth Law:

0. All robots must hunt down and annihilate anybody who contributed in any way to the making of the movie I, Robot.

Maybe all those robots killing people would have Asimov rolling in his grave, but I'm pretty sure he's doing that already, so he can tough it out for a little while longer.