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Last Update: 12.28.03

Kid Rock

When I first heard of Kid Rock, I thought he was going to be some kind of superhero. You know, like one of those corny heroes they have on the Disney channel that goes to school and then fights crime after he finishes his homework. Since his name is Kid Rock he'd be like Thing from the Fantastic 4 and he'd run around crushing villains and leaving them confounded.

Needless to say, I was pretty upset when I saw this guy:

Not only is this guy clearly an adult, but he looks like a greasy guy from Arkansas or Tennessee, or worse still, the border between Arkansas and Tennessee. He looks like the kind of guy that would get rejected for a burger-flipping job at McDonald's. I couldn't imagine anything worse than looking at this guy. Things got worse fast, though, because I was forced to listen to his music. Lots of his lyrics made a lot more sense in light of the knowledge of how he looked, though. For example, his song "Only God Knows Why" is probably about the time he couldn't get the burger-flipping job. I like hamburgers.

I think the "Kid" in Kid Rock stands for the kid that writes all of his lyrics, because they're absolutely horrible. Even Bob Dylan can at least put together an occasional meaningful string of words that he can then ramble through. Wait, on second thought, no he can't.

One of the reasons I hate Kid Rock is because he represents everything that's wrong with society. He stole Pamela Anderson from her loving husband Tommy Lee. Then, like a typical hypocrite, he wrote a song whining about being a single father. Yeah, maybe that's how Tommy feels trying to raise Pamela's extricated breasts all by himself.

He has this other song where he says "I am everything that Hollywood wants to be." I'm sorry Mr. Rock, but I think that there's a reason Hollywood is in California and not, say, the border between Arkansas and Tennessee. He talks about how he's such a "cowboy babyyyy" but to me he just looks like a greasy ex-felon truck driver that abuses midgets while wearing a wife-beater.

Anyway, it's a Trainsaw tradition to give things a 4 out of 4, but I almost can't justify doing it to this guy. However, I did come up with something that might explain just how painful it is to listen to his music.

4 out of 4 belt-sanders to the gonads (picture currently unavailable)