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Last Update: 08.14.03

Masters of the Universe

Now, you might be thinking "Every movie claims to have the masters of the universe. But do they have capes?" Yes. They have capes.* Not just capes, but lasers too.** I could probably end the review right here, but then I wouldn't get to say a lot more hilarious stuff.

Now, a lot of you are wondering how He-Man got his name. The name He-Man was decided on after several rejected possibilities, including: Ear-Cat, Arm-Taper, and Sponge-Bob, which were all abandoned because of how incredibly stupid they were. Who created those names anyway? Bend Overman? Also, there have been rumors that He-Man is just an abbreviation of his real name, Herman. This is not true. You use apostrophes when you take letters out, not dashes.

He-Man has to have the greatest life ever. I wish that I could just walk around with a cape and a sword and yell, "I HAVE THE POWER!" Speaking of which, I tried that once, but instead of being scared and fleeing before my mighty wrath, people just looked at me funny until the mall police made me leave. I guess they were the ones that had the power.

Anyway, He-Man has friends ranging from that one chick from Friends to a guy named Man-At-Arms. Imagine if your name was Man-At-Arms. You could be eating with some guy and they would be like, "Hey, Man-At-Arms, pass me the salt." and it would be the coolest thing ever. Then there's this guy named Skeletor. That's awesome. He can even shoot lasers out of his eyes just like Superman, except that Superman doesn't kill pedestrians with shotguns, and neither does Skeletor, but I do. There is a scene where this guy has a shotgun and he shoots these guys with lasers, and you know that if they were pedestrians they'd be extra dead. Lasers are strong by themselves, but you have to factor in that shotguns are the ultimate way to mow down pedestrians AND their spaceships.

But anyway, Skeletor has got to be the coolest supervillan of all time. I mean, not only does his name rock the system, but he also has powers that can destroy. If I had a choice between being Skeletor and being some guy that just stands there, I would definitely choose Skeletor. Then I would get an awesome car and put SKLTOR on my license plate. If I ever got pulled over the cops would do something stupid and I would just look at them and then crickets would start chirping and all of a sudden they would be like "Oh, are you Skeletor? My bad, you can go." I would drive off and then before they got back to their squad car it would blow up and a wicked Van Halen solo would fade in while I drove off into a cloud of dust.

Anyway, to top off being Skeletor, I would definitely get a hat that said "World's Greatest Dad." Wouldn't that be awesome? Not only would I be the ultimate super villain, but I would be the ultimate supervillan that kicked everyone's ass while wearing an awesome hat. Plus, I could become a doctor, and my name would be Dr. Skeletor, Dr. Freakin' Skeletor. Yes, I'm your doctor, Dr. Freakin' Skeletor and I will be cutting open your chest and baking your heart with my laser eyes. Is that ok? If not, you have about five seconds to leave the room. If they wouldn't let me work at a hospital, I could get a job at McDonald's and people would crap their pants when they heard me say, "This is Dr. Skeletor, may I take your order?" They would crap so much that they wouldn't be able to drive home. I'm willing to bet they wouldn't want fries with THAT. Even if they did want fries, it wouldn't matter because I would cook them with my laser eyes and they would burn like falling off a cliff. 4 Maurice Ellringers out of 4.

* Warning: If you have an old TV, it might explode when two capes appear at the same time because it can't handle the awesomeness

** Warning: If you have a new TV, it might actually shoot lasers at you while you're watching this movie. I heard that new TVs can do that.