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Last Update: 08.16.03

Men at Work

Ok, let me just say that any movie that has Charlie Sheen AND Emilio Estevez is going to kick more ass than a one-legged man on a rocket-powered wheelchair. For those of you who don't know, Sheen and Estevez are brothers. Right now, you are probably asking yourself, "How can they be brothers with different last names?" And if you had asked that, I would have told you. But before you could finish asking me, this one-legged guy in a wheelchair came flying past on rockets, and we both watched him disappear over the hill and were suddenly struck speechless. When we recovered from the shock, we forgot what we were talking about.

Sheen and Estevez play the parts of James and Carl...but I don't really remember which one is which. You can probably look it up on the internet somewhere if you really want to know. Or maybe it's Karl with a K...or maybe it's James with a K too...you never can tell from the way they pronounce it. Anyway, these guys play garbage men. Sounds awesome, huh? They are definitely the coolest garbage men of all time. Remember the first time you saw your garbage men and they were really dirty and greasy and had mullets, and you thought "Man, if only he was Charlie Sheen I'd want to make a movie out of him"? YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

There's this one part where they play frisbee with the lids to garbage cans. That scene is a very symbolic and deeply emotional one to me, because my best friend died while playing frisbee one time, so I can definitely reflect on the writer's moods. He dove to catch the frisbee, and all of a sudden it was like everything was moving in slow motion because it seems like all at once, everybody except for him realized that it wasn't a frisbee at all, but a chainsaw. We all tried to holler at him not to catch it, but he was the best frisbee player in the world, and he wasn't about to miss a catch. Then he caught it, and stood up and held it above his heads and was like "Yeah guys, look! I caught it!" and then he had a heart attack. I'll never forget that day.

So anyway, after that scene, I started thinking how cool it would be if Sheen and Estevez were Jedis. Darth Sheen would kick everybody in the eye, and then Darth Estevez would hold him back, and it'd be like a good cop bad cop thing for a little bit, but then when Darth Estevez convinces Darth Sheen that "He's not worth it" and Darth Sheen starts to walk away, Darth Estevez goes and stabs the guy with his light saber. And then Darth Estevez puts another notch on his light saber and Darth Sheen is like "Dangit, you got me again!" Oh, and then instead of taking out people's trash, they would just slice open the trashcans with their light sabers and mind trick everybody into thinking that their trash was gone. And then they would go slice open the doors to bathroom stalls and kill the people that were in there just for smelling bad, because Jedis that are former trash men HATE things that smell bad.

And after that, they'd form a band. Darth Sheen would have a low-pitched light saber, and Darth Estevez would have a higher-pitched one, and they'd swing them around to make tuff music, and then they would start drumming on trash cans and trash can lids and the decapitated skulls of their crushed enemies. Then they would kill the lights and both start shooting lightning out of their hands and doing weird dance moves in the strobe light-like effects that the lightning would create. I bet Jedis are good dancers.

So anyway, they kick a lot of maximum in this movie. Not only do I recommend you go see it, I recommend you go take a crap as well. Be careful though, Darth Sheen and Darth Estevez might decide to slice through while you are in there. If they do, you'd better hope that you can play the guitar, because that's the only thing they're missing. Yodas out of 4, 4 this gets.