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Last Update: 11.10.03

Minority Report

Let's get straight to the point: this movie has robotic spiders. Tom Cruise plays the part of Vladimir Stovalkansk, the Lord of the Spiders. Lord of the Spiders can be abbreviated as LotS, which is pretty fitting because there are LotS of spiders. As LotS, it's his job to catch anybody that doesn't want to have their eyes devoured by spiders. Not surprisingly, this makes for an awesome movie.

Early in the movie, we find out that Nazis are planning to force Vlad to abandon his position as LotS, as a prelude to their pre-emptive invasion of the North Pole. Fortunately, Vladdy boy can see the future with the help of his wife (a hot bald chick) and he makes his escape from his humble mountain home aboard a rocket pack that he built from spare spider parts that he had lying around. With Vladimir absent, the spiders have no leader, and they lose their once-civilized nature to go on a rampage.

Later in the movie, the spiders forget about our buddy Vlad and how nice he was to them and they try to kill him. But being the former LotS, he knows a lot of tricks that they don't, and he cuts his eyeballs out so that they can't see him (spiders work like that—they're powered by reverse psychology). They can't find him, then suddenly he grabs two spiders by their tails and uses them for eyes, and all of the spiders can suddenly see him but he turns into a giant Orkin Man and gases them all. That part is pretty killer.

Anyway, after he escapes that predicament, he finds the Minority Report. It's this report that the Nazis made about all of the minorities (like Jews) that they killed, and he finds out that they drowned his son for being Jewish. Needless to say, Vlad is pretty pissed because his wife never told him that they had a Jewish baby. To get his vengeance, he goes and kicks this old guy in the face. He starts stomping on the guy with football cleats on, because he's naturally pretty pissed, but then the movie cuts back to the Nazis.

While he was kicking the old guy, apparently the Nazis managed to kidnap Vlad's wife (the hot bald chick) AND his ex-wife (a hot bald chick with hair). They're going to make them mud-wrestle to death for Hitler II's amusement. Then, all of a sudden, this giant spider comes up out of the ground and eats Hitler, and all of the Nazis start dancing because they didn't really like him anyway. Then Vlad shows up, fearing he's too late, but he sees the spider and recognizes it as his son, who wasn't drowned by Nazis after all, and he forgives the spider for being a minority.

I recommend you go out and see this movie. If you're too lazy to watch the whole thing, you can just watch it in fast-forward like I did. I think I got the gist of it. I give it 4 out of 4 hot bald chicks.