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Last Update: 08.25.06

Silent Hill

All right. I haven't seen this movie. However, I have seen the trailer, and for most horror movies that's enough to write a pretty good review. So here goes.

So the trailer starts out with "Some number of years ago in the town of Silent Hill, some tragedy happened." Pretty typical horror movie stuff. Then the really uplifting part: "Unfortunately, there were survivors."

UNFORTUNATELY? What kind of sick bastard says that? Did you hear anybody walking around after 9/11 saying "Luckily, almost everyone died." By "anybody" I mean "anybody not holding an AK-47 and saying bless Allah."

Anyway, the movie really picks up after this. Evidently, the town has been overrun by zombies and monsters. Some chick's crazy uncle died and left her his whole inheritance, which consists of 1 crappy old house and 37 wombats. To claim her inheritance, she drives around asking people where the heck Silent Hill is. Somebody on the side of the road tells her "Silent Hill? You don't want to go *there*!" because the writer stayed awake through that high school English class about foreshadowing.

Anyway, when the chick makes it to the house, she finds out that her uncle's will had a typo on it; his inheritance actually consisted of 37 flesh-sucking *zombies*, not flesh-sucking wombats. Needless to say, she's pretty disappointed, because zombie fur can't be traded on the black market for millions, and because they want to eat her.

At the end, she gets killed and they pry her brain out of her skull. And then we find out that this movie was actually just the prequel for the entire Resident Evil franchise, which gives everyone a warm feel-good feeling for the drive home.

This movie gets -15 flesh-eating wombats out of 4, plus a "WTF" for the trailer.